


Does A Singing Bird Know of Its Cage?

by sryr



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blow Jobs, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Exhibitionism Kink, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, Praise Kink, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 15:46:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 38,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6201283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sryr/pseuds/sryr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jude Mathis had no intention of genuinely running away from home, but with a little persuasion he finds himself entering a new city with a man far older than him and seemingly too nice to be trusted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing for this series! I hadn't intended on starting off with a story quite like this, but after reading [this abandoned story](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2046942/chapters/4445370) it inspired this one. 
> 
> Originally, I was just thinking of the tags mentioned in the listing, but this steadily grew into something with a plot so unfortunately it might be a bit 'til we get there! I'll add more specific tags when those scenes of relevance occur, but for now I suppose you can assume where much of this will go.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Jude Mathis, though a boy with strong morals, had never been adept at standing up for himself.

Especially to opposing people like his father.

He’d do his best to stand up for things when he felt they were truly the right option, but the second he met a wall strong enough to block him and create doubt over his own thoughts he’d back down. It never stopped his do-gooder attitude, nor his optimistic outlook, but it did create a deep rooted anxiety over what the right thing was and if his idea of it truly was the correct one.

Sometimes it made the small, shy smile he tried to always wear difficult to bear when he felt like he was fighting a pointless and impossible to win battle. Bullies were one thing; they almost never agreed with anyone who tried to stand up to them and he’d come to learn how to take the hits and even defend himself when needed. His father’s responses, whether it be sharp barbs against his opinions or if he was particularly angry a slap, always managed to sting far longer than any other stranger’s injury could.

It was what led him to the park bench he currently was seated on hours after he should have been home and in bed. There had been nowhere else in town to go as he considered everyone in Leronde more of an acquaintance rather than a genuine friend. Leia was usually always an option, but she was likely asleep and he felt terrible pestering her all the time over things like this.

As they finished dinner and cleared the dishes to clean up for the night, Jude had stopped his father and expressed what he had spent the last week working up the nerve to say. He intended to study medicine in Fennmont once classes were opening, as with the years spent helping around the clinic he’d always been drawn to helping people.

His father took it about as well as he expected, as the man always seemed disappointed with his choices. He hadn’t expected him to slap him for it as a mere verbal dismissal seemed all that was appropriate for the situation. Perhaps, had he not tried to speak up for himself and simply gone ahead with it on his own a verbal reprimand would have been all that happened.

“Mom’s probably worried sick, but…” Jude sighed to himself looking over the water by the seahaven. The dock was near empty as all ferries were either underway or soon to be heading off. Typically more ships left in the morning and most stragglers had either left for a different shore, went in the direction of wherever they stopped here for or were at Leia’s family’s inn.

The only light in the haven was the moon illuminating the docks and it wasn’t until the sliver in Jude’s field of vision was covered did he realize that someone was in front of him. The seemingly expensive leather boots should have tipped him off, but he always had a tendency to daze off especially after situations like these.

“Isn’t it a little past your bed time, kid?” The man asked sounding less condescending than his words suggested. If anything, he seemed almost amused. It was a bit difficult to make out his appearance entirely in the dark, but of what Jude could make out two things were clear: he was extremely well dressed and strikingly handsome.

His mood was in the gutter and the time of night only made the stranger seem more shady than attractive, yet a warped sense of rebellion seemed to be dragging the teen into greeting him properly.

“I doubt I could sleep if I tried,” he answered sincerely without a shred of the defensiveness those sorts of comments usually prompted. The man took a seat next to him on the bench lounging just enough to look casual while not entirely in Jude’s space.

“Still, can’t be good for a kid like you to be out all alone at night,” they insisted and the concern was surprising not just for the fact it was directed towards him, but also that it was coming from a stranger no less.

“I’m wondering at this point whether I even _want_ to go home,” Jude muttered more to himself than in response. Was it childish to run away? To just check if they had any ferries leaving for Fennmont now? It wasn’t like he had the gald to do so; he had just run out of the house. The more he thought about it running away seemed like a stupid plan, but he didn’t quite feel ready to go back home yet either.

“Ah, a runaway huh? Tell me, you going the whole way or just staying away to make ‘em sweat a little?” He punctuated his question with a laugh though it didn’t seem at all directed at him or necessarily even at what he was saying. Jude couldn’t answer him and more than that the way he worded it made his actions seem so much more manipulative than he ever intended.

“Make them sweat? Why would anyone do something like that?” He finally looked fully at the man next to him continuing on, “I may be a little upset with them—well not _really_ them, but ah it doesn’t matter—point is I just… don’t feel up to being there right now…”

His words came out fast and jumbled as it wasn’t like he was prepared to tell this person his life story. Halfway through he realized he threw his mother in with his negative feelings, but she wasn’t the one who made him feel like an idiot or a disappointment. Either way, he felt the need to defend himself even if this stranger would likely never cross his path again though the evident doubt showed as his sentence neared its end.

“So where’re you gonna’ go? This bench ain’t exactly a good place to sleep nor are the ports at night…” he trailed off with questions that Jude still wasn’t sure why he’d be asking, “You need money for the inn? From the looks of it this doesn’t seem like a premediated runaway so I doubt you have much on you.”

Jude looked back down and rubbed his wrist out of nervous habit, as he didn’t want to explain why he couldn’t go to the inn either.

“The inn, money or not, isn’t really an option for me,” he explained vaguely, and while he expected the other to ask for more of an explanation, like the rest of his spiel, he seemed to have accepted it easily enough.

“Gotcha’, ah… this really puts me in a tight spot. I can’t with all good reason leave you here alone,” he paused to scratch the back of his head a little, “Well, you ever considered going the full way then? I’m heading out of here in a few and I have enough money for an extra ticket; that is if you don’t mind heading to Fennmont.”

His shoulders tensed at hearing the city’s name as only a few minutes prior he considered attempting just that the next opportunity he had enough gald. Running away just felt so… childish and in a sense frightening. He brought a hand up unconsciously to rub at his temple wondering just how to reply to the man’s offer. His focus on the ground left him unable to see the expectant and cold stare the stranger gave while waiting for his answer.

Even if he had, there was never a chance for him to see the gracious and kind offer presented to him as anything but that. The quiet town of Leronde and his own personality left an almost naïve sense of optimism in him that seemed yet to have been squashed out regardless of the many bad hands he’d been dealt.

“Is that… really okay?” He asked out loud unsure if it was directed to himself or to the one next to him.

“Sure it is; people runaway all the time. And it’s not like they’re going anywhere worst case scenario you hitch a boat back home when things turn south,” the stranger explained as he breached the distance between them swinging an arm around Jude’s shoulder surprising the teen.

“Since I’m the one putting you up to it, I’ll do my best to help you how I can. You seem awfully young to be on your own already,” he flashed a too wide smile at the other not missing the further tension growing in the boy’s shoulder from their sudden contact, “Come on, the boat leaves in a bit and you can start telling me about yourself.”

The other pulled him up and though he relaxed the pressure on his shoulder, had yet to actually remove the arm he wrapped around him. Jude was too meek and guilty over accepting the man’s offer to protest, even if the action was appearing to seem suspicious.

“Name’s Alvin. You’re lucky it was me who found you here by the docks instead of some of the creepers who prowl these parts at night,” he spoke and in a way it was funny how he said Jude could talk on their way there as he seemed content to go on even if he was less than informative with his words. “I’m all over these days, but I have place in Fennmont I can set you up with at least until you get on your feet. Purely up to you.”

They walked from the bench to the ticket booth and Jude mustered enough of a reply to give his name in return. Alvin bought Jude’s ticket, the younger male was doing his best not to stare off as he thought about the offer. It made enough sense considering even if he was given a way to get to Fennmont, there’s no way he could survive there on his own with nothing. Maybe this was a bad idea…

Before he could attempt to stop the other from buying anything, Alvin was waving the ticket in front of him taking his own out as he did so.

“There, they said ship’s still setting up, but that we can go on board for now.”

He explained before heading past the booth and towards the ramp to the dock at a slow enough gait for Jude to follow. Any kind of protest or doubt fell back into Jude’s throat as he hurried to catch up. It would be too much to turn back now and his manners put him in a spot where he felt it necessary to pay the man back before he left.

At this rate, Jude’s debt was piling up, but for Alvin this was the simplest job he’d ever been given. He hadn’t even needed to kidnap him or work all too hard at convincing him to come with him to Fennmont. With how scared and helpless the kid seemed, it likely wouldn’t be hard to get him from leaving his side.

Once he was cozy and trusted him better, he could work on the second portion of his job, but for now simply learning more than his name and what details were given to him from higher up seemed like a good plan.

Despite Jude’s earlier comment about not being able to sleep, the yawn that escaped him as they enter the depths of the ship had Alvin chuckling a little.

“They told me with how few people take ships out of here at night there’s a whole room to yourself on here, but if you’re still against sleeping I’m gonna’ check out the dining hall,” he kept the leisurely pace he had set before to give the other plenty of time to decide. He hoped that Jude would join him if only so he could ask the questions he wanted in a more natural way.

“The haven isn’t really that busy anymore… not since the mines stopped being operational anyway,” Jude explained rubbing his eyes a bit, but continued to follow behind Alvin. He was tired, but laying in a dark unfamiliar room would only bring thoughts he didn’t want right now. Not to mention, he’d never been outside of Leronde before. His parents were almost always busy with work and he and Leia would venture out to the woods sometimes, but never very far as monsters and the threat of angry parents usually kept them closer to the main street.

“It did seem like a pretty quiet place, but some people enjoy that sort of tranquility I guess,” Alvin himself sounded bored by the notion of it and it only reminded Jude of what he meant to ask earlier.

“Right, um, just what were you doing in Leronde by the way? It doesn’t really seem like the type of place someone like you would stop by in.”

“Oh? You think a guy like me doesn’t want some tranquility every now and again?”

“That’s not—I mean well…”

The teen was getting a bit flustered as it was probably rude to make assumptions, but with his habit of speaking his mind so bluntly along with being on the verge of sleep, he had said it without thinking. Alvin who admittedly was not at all interested in a place like Leronde outside of business was merely poking fun at the boy and finding a way to circumvent answering entirely.

“Relax, you’re right. Quiet country town like that really isn’t my scene, but I had to meet someone there. I finished up a bit before I met you,” he answered still a bit vaguely as he began taking bits of what food was left glancing at Jude.

He had grown quiet since he said that and with how pensive he looked, it left Alvin wondering just what conclusions he was trying to draw from it. Distracting him might need to happen a bit more literally.

“Here kid, if you’re not sleeping food might be good. Think the sailor mentioned something about leftover coffee too…” His voice trailed off as he actually went to go check thinking it to be a good idea himself.

It snapped Jude out of his thoughts and directed the conversation unfortunately elsewhere. His question was hardly answered, but it might have been the other’s polite way of saying he shouldn’t ask. As for food, maybe it would help, but he didn’t feel particularly hungry either—coffee didn’t sound appeasing, but something about getting called kid was making him feel distinctly more childlike than he wanted to feel.

Against his better judgement, he took some of the drink only allowing himself to put a little sugar in, but forewent grabbing anything to eat. The two made their way to the mostly empty seats and despite only just meeting, Jude found the silence and company surprisingly comfortable.

At least until Alvin asked the obvious question drawing attention to a different elephant that had been in the room.

“So do you wanna’ explain why it is I found you out there?”

Jude dropped his focus to the cup in his hands trying instead to focus on the warm it gave off as he rubbed his fingers around the outside. Meeting the older male’s gaze suddenly felt difficult and the nice atmosphere steadily fell apart. He opened his mouth once or twice, only letting a sigh out as he wasn’t even sure where to begin. Running away was childish, but having to explain why he wanted to only seemed to expound on it as there was a chance Alvin would only make him doubt himself. It didn’t make much sense as he was the one who encouraged it in the first place, but it left him fearful anyway.

“Hey, hey it’s just a question. I can accept it if you’d rather not talk about it, be it now or later. Just figured I should ask. We can start with basic stuff instead like how old are you?”

He felt his cheeks heat up as talking about his age only led back to his fears at being seen as too much of a child. Though… when put in this perspective he kind of was, “I’m fifteen.”

“Fifteen, huh? Jeez, I must really seem like some kind of creep to you then.”

“No, not at all you’ve been… really nice and understanding actually,” he admitted with a slight embarrassment as sure Alvin’s actions could look questionable, but he’s helped so much despite Jude being a complete stranger to him.

“Just how old are you then?” He asked as the height and size difference definitely suggested older, but he didn’t look… that old. Alvin finished his bite grinning up at him; this job was looking easier and easier.

“Twenty-six, but I’ve been told I’m still a child at heart,” he answered the last bit sounding comically saccharine.

Jude couldn’t help laughing at that and whether it be because Alvin’s antics were genuinely cheering him up or the hour was catching up to him it still felt nice to laugh.

They spent the next hour exchanging information, even if it was just little meaningless tidbits. Jude never did say entirely why he chose to run away with Alvin, though he did say he held an affinity for learning and always wanted to go to Fennmont to attend the medical school there. Alvin never elaborated on his business in Leronde, but called himself a mercenary who does a little of this or a little of that all over Rieze Maxia.

The coffee had long gone cold without a single sip, and Jude had found himself falling asleep at the table by the time they thought to head back. After disposing of his plate, Alvin made his way over to the other and without warning scooped him up much to the sleepy protest of the teen. The last thought he had before succumbing to sleep was a mix of how furious his parents must be right now and how warm Alvin felt.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had wanted to wait until Tuesday to update this and hopefully try and maintain some sort of schedule like thing in terms of updates (chapter three is pretty much finished at this point as well), but I got impatient as I'm known to when it comes to updates if they're actually finished.
> 
> Depending on how things turn out and if I manage to continue this trend of managing to write without simply abandoning things I think chapter three might go up on Tuesday! Thank you so much for the kudos and comments and I'm happy to see/hear people are enjoying things so far.

After the events of the night prior, accepting what Jude had done should have been the first thing on his mind, but instead all he could think was that he didn’t want to leave bed. In all honesty, he could hardly remember how he even got there in the first place. They had been talking about Alvin’s fondness of peach pie on an offhand comment about sweets and the next thing he remembers is trying to get the other to put him down because he could most assuredly walk to his own cabin.

It didn’t help that the lack of lighting made it impossible to tell the time of day. Although given their destination, it was unlikely it’d help any; the spirit clime in Fennmont was supposed to be a perpetual night.

He clutched the pillow contemplating just laying there as Alvin had got him this far and it was unlikely the other would just abandon him now. Not to mention if he was the one who helped him to bed, then he’d know which room he was in anyway. Although, it was probably rude to keep him waiting if he was in fact doing so…

With a sigh, the teen dragged himself up and attempted to smooth down his hair as he made his way out to the main deck. Just as he finished taming the mess that was his bedhead and stepped outside, he caught sight of Alvin releasing a bird to the skies.

Before he could think of a way to phrase a question about what the other was doing, he was hanging off his shoulder, “Finally; thought I’d have to be carrying you still half asleep into town.”

Jude’s face contorted into what Alvin would describe as a pout—which Jude would refer to as at least a frown—but he didn’t shove him away. Instead, it just pushed him further into asking what he wanted to when he first came out.

“Yeah, yeah so what were you doing with that bird?” Jude asked turning away from him. Alvin just laughed more enjoying the boy’s embarrassment and irritation that was sure to only grow at his cryptic answer.

“That’s a secret for grown-ups.”

The older male felt Jude’s shoulder tense as he tried to squirm away from him, but feeling playful, he only squeezed his grip around the other tighter letting his mouth brush closer to his ear.

“I can show you sometime, but not here okay?”

Alvin could tell he was beet red without even having to face him as the color rose straight up to the tip of his ears.

“Forget I asked!” Jude blurted out before successfully pushing the other off him and striding off towards the edge the boat, likely to look at the approaching harbor.

Perhaps the funniest aspect to the entire exchange was the letter had been a message to his mother.

Jude may have started to question his choice of company more than he had the night he met him, but at this rate, he had no other option than to rely on the man. What made it all the more difficult was if he were honest, the whole thing sent shivers down his spine leaving him pleasantly warm as opposed to afraid.

He trusted Alvin even if he was an acquaintance who was far older than him. Whether the other was serious in his offer or just teasing him, it was something Jude was having trouble putting out of his mind. As they exited the ship and headed to wherever Alvin was staying, he was acutely conscious of their proximity and the flickers of memory from being carried to bed let themselves be known causing him to fidget with his wrists out of nervous habit.

The only distraction that could be found was how much more immaculate the city was compared to the tiny street that was his hometown. The palace in the distance was ginormous and the school he still very much wanted to attend was rather large too. Most of all there were more people about than he had ever seen in his life.

“Rethinking about how much better city life is compared to the country?” Alvin asked a smirk gracing his lips at how fast the emotions flickered across the kid’s face. He had been mostly messing with him as a way to keep him from asking too much, but his reaction was not quite what he’d expected. It was almost… wishful if embarrassed and that only became more evident as they walked about town. The second he saw the city for what it was though, he was too distracted and it was cute to watch.

“Yeah… I wonder how much better this would have been if I came knowing I’d be going to Talim…” His voice was distracted as he spoke, dipping lower towards the last part. There was no way he could afford to go now.

“Who says you can’t?” He replied far too eager to pay the boy’s fees for a multitude of reasons. He wasn’t exactly short on gald and among simply gaining his trust and putting him further in his debt, dare he say he wanted Jude to be happy too.

Who said his captivity had to be a painful and terrible thing? Besides… there was a tiny part of him rethinking his original purpose in taking the kid, but he’d wait to talk to Exodus before he went ahead with it.

“Well… I don’t know how I’d pay for it,” he explained and the depression only sunk in as he was only reminded of the growing debt he’d be owing the one next to him. “Between trying to just take care of myself here and pay you back I doubt I could find something to do that’d allow me to save up for that much anytime soon.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll pay it for you,” Alvin answered as if it were that simple and ruffled Jude’s hair as he did so, quickly cutting him off before he could give any ‘but’s’.

“Seriously, I really don’t mind. Besides, I’m not always home, it’ll be nice to have someone to return home to or watching the place while I’m away.”

“Is that really okay? I mean should you really be offering that much to a complete stranger?” Jude found himself repeating his question from the previous night as the amount of favors Alvin seemed willing to do for him was bordering on nonsensical.

“Are we really still strangers? I mean you told me plenty about yourself and just think; we’ll get to know even more about each other if you take up my offer,” he smiled in his explanation and it almost bordered on a real one compared to the too wide ones he typically gave while faking them.

“I guess, but…” Jude sighed as he became aware of just how insistent Alvin was of taking him in, “I’ll look into registration tomorrow then or… later today maybe? It’s really hard to tell what time it is here.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard you get used to it, but I can’t say I ever have. Not that I’ve stayed here for that long, but with you around I’ll probably be in and out more often.”

A spider web crack of guilt began splitting itself further as the amount of trouble Jude was imposing on the other let itself be known the closer they got to what appeared to be an apartment building. He assumed this was where Alvin was staying and despite how luxurious the building looked, he couldn’t help fearing there wouldn’t be much space for him.

His father’s voice rang in his ears about how foolish he was and he couldn’t help flinching at the sudden hand that moved to touch his cheek. Before Alvin could ask what was wrong an apology was shooting from Jude’s lips about taking up space. Another silent apology wanted to come, but Jude was afraid to admit that for a brief moment it wasn’t Alvin’s hand he saw, but his father’s raising to strike him.

“Hey, relax I already told you it isn’t a problem. I mean I’m not stopping you from looking around for employment, but sticking around inside all day doesn’t really seem appealing so why not go to school. I already kinda’ pegged you as the studious type since you already mentioned wanting to go here twice no less.”

“Let’s worry about the basics for today, like clothes and all that fun stuff.”

It was a little embarrassing how gentle Jude was being treated, but he knew there was sense in what Alvin was saying even if he couldn’t understand why he chose him of all people to help.

Did he really look that pathetic sitting all alone on the seahaven bench? He had planned to just stay there a bit and return home or… at the very most do so in the morning, but now he found himself in Fennmont with a stranger that was far more supportive than he’d ever experienced.

“I should probably write home too. At least to tell them I’m safe; even if Dad will probably just be mad, Leia and Mom are probably worried,” Jude spoke staring at the floor too afraid to face Alvin properly after being so panicked.

“’Atta a boy, come on, I’ll give you the grand tour,” Alvin moved from lightly brushing a few strands of hair from Jude’s face to wrapping his arm back around the younger male guiding them inside. He had caught his earlier flinch and could only guess at what he was thinking about, but even then in a strange way it only made him angry as he had a pretty good idea of what Jude had been afraid of.

The place was spacious, but held a notably abandoned feel to it. There was a main room connected to a kitchen with three doors. It was a typical living room set up of a couch and table, with a bookshelf that looked like it hadn’t been touched for a long time. A small layer of dust was on one portion of the table and a coat was slung over the couch.

Alvin explained where each door led in brief succession, one being his own room, a door to the left being Jude’s new room and the door after that leading to the washroom and bathroom. He explained that both bedrooms had balconies, but using them for drying clothes was pretty much useless considering the sun never shined, which only led to him pointing to the direction of the washer and dryer.

It was enough to make Jude chuckle, lightening his mood just a little. Alvin left his room out of the tour, but left Jude’s room for last considering they needed to make space and clean enough for new things to be bought and brought in. The other had mentioned not being home that often, but it seriously looked like no one had been in this room ever. It was practically barren so aside from dusting and leaving the sheets to wash while they were out there was little to do.

“It was originally going to be my mother’s room,” was all Alvin offered, but it didn’t answer where she was now or whether she was even living. With the lack of information Jude offered about his own family considering the nature of their meeting, he felt it wasn’t right to ask. With everything ready, they headed out of the apartment and a giddiness began to wash over Jude as the fact he was in Fennmont was finally setting in.

As they moved toward the shops, he couldn’t contain the bits of trivia that fell from his mouth at each building or monument they passed all of which Alvin passively listened to or teased at how much he must have read and remembered no less to pull from thin air. Jude seemed nonplussed towards the teasing for once as he wasn’t ashamed or bothered that all he did was mostly read; the sights had him focusing elsewhere too. He was aware he seemed somehow equal parts a tourist yet someone knowledgeable enough to be a tour guide, but he was too excited about the dream he was about to let go off becoming a reality overnight.

They picked out new sets of clothes as well as stationary to use both for schoolwork and so he could write back home. The conversation and company was back to the comfortable lull it had when they ate dinner and even with tired feet that begged to sit, Jude hadn’t felt this happy in a long time.

After stopping by the school and picking up registration papers, the two stopped for lunch. Alvin helped fill out the forms so they could be dropped off as soon as possible—classes apparently started as soon as in a few weeks—and the atmosphere dipped briefly by the end of it. While waiting for the check, Jude had made a comment about starting on the letter when they returned home, not expecting Alvin to say much, especially not in such a serious tone.

“Don’t mention where you are to the folks back home, okay?”

Jude blinked back confusion as he hadn’t really planned on telling them exactly where he was to begin with. He knew it’d only lead to the potential of being found and forced to come home, but there was something in the other’s tone that frightened him. It was the first time he’d broken down that gentle and playful tone he usually carried.

“…Got it. I was just going to say I was safe and for them not to worry,” he said trying to keep his voice even, but it felt vaguely like he needed to give more detail than that. His hands gripped their bags, fingers playing over the material trying not to look as afraid as he felt.

“I don’t know how far they’d come to get you and I think they’d be less than understanding if they found you with someone like me,” he clarifies, but his explanation leaves out the glaring fact that he couldn’t meet Jude’s father or what he was trying to do would become clear in an instant.

Besides after today and with what Jude wanted to do with his life, at this rate Alvin was wondering if they even needed Derrick anymore.

“Because you look suspicious, right?” Jude gave a lopsided smile still attempting to shake off how startling Alvin’s shift was trying to follow his example of telling a joke instead

From the grin spreading on Alvin’s face, the earlier atmosphere was edging its way back in, “Exactly.”

They made their way back shortly after, and the older male wasted no time in swiping what bags he could from Jude for the remainder of the walk. Jokes were exchanged, but as they neared the building once more, the tone stretched to a more serious one again as everything started to slow down. Jude wasn’t even sure how much everything cost altogether and it’d only increase as the cost of classes and textbooks were piled on top of it as well as general living expenses. It all felt like too much, but Alvin had said it was okay hadn’t he?

“…Thanks for all this. I never really saw myself getting here. Maybe without your help I never would have,” his voice lowered again, as what ifs swam in his mind. Part of him thought he might have fought his dad again, but with the mindset he left Leronde with, that reality looked impossible.

“No need. I keep telling you, you’re doing _me_ a favor, kid. Just keep up with your work Mr. Honors Student and consider it enough payment. Chuck in doing a little tidying up for me and consider us even,” Alvin added the last part laughing to himself as he unlocked the door to the apartment; upon shuffling the bags on the table it only became more evident how dusty he’d let the place become.

“That doesn’t sound so hard, come to think of it the wash could probably be switched over to dry by now,” Jude returned his laughter with a chuckle of his own letting his own bags drop onto the table, his tone trailing off to a mumble as the last part was more directed at himself than the other. “Is it alright if I take a shower first? It sounds counterproductive, but I feel gross.”

“You don’t need my permission, you live here too now.”

“Right,” he offered a smile towards the other before taking the clothing bags off to his new room.

While Jude was off, Alvin took the time to take his own purchases to his room. Any thoughts of putting them away were left behind as the bird he had sent out that morning rested on the ledge of his balcony with a new letter tied around its leg.

With the updates on his mother being no better, not that he expected much after almost eighteen years of no improvements, he began on the report and new direction he wished to propose to Exodus. The thought of holding the kid hostage for his father no longer seemed appealing.

Everything they needed his dad for, Jude was smart enough to replace. He may not entirely understand the medicinal types of spyrixes at their disposal, but with someone knowledgeable enough in medicine and could actually use spirit artes learning how to use them didn’t sound impossible.

More than that though, the incessant need to spoil the boy rotten was slowly taking hold over the original job given to him. Rather than gain Jude’s trust for their purposes, he wanted to keep him all to himself and he was making it so incredibly easy.

His poor morals were beyond irrefutable; he knew that already. Wanting a kid eleven years younger than him was beyond terrible, but seeing the smile on his face was becoming addicting. The fact fate had allowed the other to depend on him to the extent he was only added to his obsession.

Alvin could tell Jude wanted him as well. As an adult, or at least as a proper adult, it was his job not to encourage it, but he was not respectable enough for that. His money and lifestyle was all filthy, but he’d spend every piece of gald on Jude if it’d keep him by his side and looking at him.

If there was a good way to explain it, the ‘mercenary’ was simply starving. There was an innocence to Jude that he couldn’t be sure whether he wanted to protect or utterly destroy, but all he knew was that he didn’t want him to go anywhere that didn’t lead back to him. Exodus as a whole was an organization he wasn’t interested in beyond the cushy life it gave him and the small chance he had at bringing he and his mother back home. His father had been dead for years and the politics behind it were tiresome to think about let alone get involved with.

He’d convince them his plan was the better one, and even if it wasn’t he’d betray Jude in the gentlest way possible. He was betraying him now knowing full well why he ran away and even worse more than he expected him to know about his family.

The only reason he approached him that night was because it was pure luck that made his job that simple. After the argument he overheard while waiting outside their house, all it took was trailing behind the teen and finding the most opportune time to approach him as he sat alone at the docks. His father he had planned to threaten and Jude was meant to be a last resort if he didn’t come along, but something told him it always would have ended with taking Jude.

He just didn’t know it’d be this nice. How the kid practically wanted to come with him all on his own. How simple it was to wrap him around his finger and play the ever good, concerned citizen. He wanted to corrupt that nativity. He wanted to give the boy the world.

More than anything, he wanted to hold his heart all to himself and never let it go.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this fic manages to have any semblance of a schedule it might end up being Saturdays. Classes are starting up for me again soon and my birthday is next wednesday! I like to have a chunk of chapters ahead written prior so I don't run out of things, but even if I do get busy and not manage to do so I'll likely end up posting chapter four anyway. I had some events outlined, but at the rate the characters are doing things on their own I worry for the sake of interest and keeping things IC i need to up the pacing orz;;;
> 
> This chapter might be a bit... boring until the end parts too so I feel bad, next chapter is really interesting though 8) Thank you again for reading and I hope you enjoy!

Alvin left the morning after that, but Jude had expected as much. Not only had he warned him prior about his sporadic home life, but he outright told him he’d was leaving. That had been almost a week ago though and the teen was still trying to adjust to his new life.

He had been fretting about how to send the letter in a way where it wouldn’t be tracked back to Fennmont, but the mercenary had offered to drop it off in the next city over so it didn’t seem as suspicious. It seemed like a good idea and while he felt bad about their inability to write back, mostly assuring them he was okay every so often seemed like it would work.

Maybe even someday he’d return home. For now, he had bigger worries like the stack of registration forms he had to bring the school as well as the continuation of cleaning out Alvin’s apartment. There was little else to do for the moment and while Alvin said he didn’t actually have to, it felt like a decent enough payment for what he could give at the moment.

It felt odd being alone in an apartment he was still getting used to calling his own, but the work made it feel a bit easier. If he thought too hard about it, his brain couldn’t decide whether he felt like some sort of housekeeper or something ranging closer to the domestic side of things. One left him feeling like an outsider, which still felt true, and the other felt too intimate especially towards someone he’d only known for a few days.

He tried to tell himself that it was just the rest of the rooms were taking a while, but if he were honest, thoughts like that were what kept him from visiting Alvin’s room. He hadn’t made any sort of indication Jude was supposed to keep out of it, but aspects of their first meeting still replayed themselves in the night. His father had pulled him aside and explained puberty in the most mechanical and average way possible, but like most things the questions his speech didn’t answer Jude sought out in books during the days his parents were away on house calls.

On a personal level, he had never applied what he learned to himself; he merely just wanted to know it to understand. Everyone in town had made it seem like he’d start to feel something towards girls, and while he admitted some were cute, no romantic feelings ever sprang. For a brief time, he had expected them to for Leia as everyone in town had suggested with how close they were he should feel something of that sort.

It was impossible for him to see her as anything other than a close friend and borderline sister though. Neither had addressed her advances—he wasn’t even positive they were anything considering all he knew of her supposed feelings towards him were based on hearsay around town—and so he had never tried to outright reject them either. As for guys, it was never expected of him and he had had no thoughts leaning towards the subject at the time he had been doing research.

Yet, now that he _had_ thought about it with the advances shown to him, he couldn’t stop. There were a lot of issues with where his mind wanted to go however. Beyond the fact the person in mind he had only met for a few days, their age difference was stark, as was the truth that he couldn’t sure how real his feelings even were. The book he had read made it sound like attraction could be confused for affection, but he had no experience in the matter whatsoever. Alvin seemed interested on some front, but there was a chance that was another moment he simply used to tease Jude. If he assumed that possibility to exist, what sort of feelings did the other even have in mind then?

The whole topic was confusing, but with the house all to himself, it was difficult to avoid. After three days of staying away, Jude found the resolve to enter Alvin’s bedroom. He told himself it was to make sure it was clean for whenever he came back, but there was a meticulousness he took in both his examination and cleaning of the room that he couldn’t deny had ulterior motives.

The layout was almost identical to his own room except reversed. The bed faced the opposite way, as did the closet, which appeared to be filled with fancy scarves and coats. Alvin’s desk was a mess of letters and an assortment of miscellaneous items that likely were removed from his pockets before sleeping. The bed was still in the disarray it likely was left in the morning Alvin left and Jude forced himself to start there. As Jude stuffed his own sheets into the washer days prior, Alvin had dumped his in at the same time figuring it’d been long enough since they were last washed. They were soft like his own, but alongside the scent of fabric softener, a lingering trace of the other’s cologne was still present as his fingers moved to tuck the cloth back in.

The smell hit Jude with a wave of loneliness, as the reality that Alvin really was the only person he knew in this city sunk in. He might make more acquaintances and hopefully friends when he did start up school, but for now he was looking at potentially another few days with little to no human contact. He’d grown up mostly alone, but with the only potential company he could have now gone, it left him unsure what to do with himself.

Homesickness only followed as even if he didn’t get along with his dad, his mom had always done her best to cheer him up despite being busy. Even Leia who often was accidentally more harmful than helpful made him feel less alone. He finished with the sheets and forced himself to head towards the balcony thinking that maybe the fresh air might help a bit. He had considered taking a walk, but with such a big city, he was slightly afraid of getting lost. There also ran a risk of only deepening his loneliness as the people of the city only reflected back as a large number of strangers. Every time he went out to buy food with the money Alvin left for him, it was already obvious how much he differed from the crowds he saw.

He leaned his head in his arms on the ledge letting his eyes catch sight of the school he’d be attending in the next couple weeks. The papers still needed to be dropped off and looking over the path from high up made it seem relatively close to where Alvin was living. If it wasn’t too late by the time he was done cleaning, he’d run them over today as he kept putting it off out of a mix of anxiousness and remaining guilt over taking Alvin’s offer.

Time had become strange the longer he stayed both in a city. With a night that never ended and constantly being cooped up in an empty apartment he could never be too sure what time of day it was if he didn’t glance at a clock. He found himself still managing to sleep at roughly the same time, but with manual labor and occasionally swiping a book or two from the shelf in the living room as his only sources of entertainment it sometimes led to accidental naps.

Just thinking about it was making him sleepy as it was approaching the time of day he typically fell to taking a catnap. Turning back to finish what he started, he found there wasn’t much. It felt intrusive to look at the desk and aside from doing some light dusting, after that he found there wasn’t much else to do. He had thought about rewashing the sheets as something else to do, but considering they’d only been slept on once since their last wash not that long ago it seemed pointless.

Still, the bed continued to draw his attention and on the premise that Alvin would likely not be home soon, he allowed himself to lie on it even if it was just to take a short nap. Falling asleep surrounded by the smell that reminded him of each time he was tugged into a one-arm embrace put him at ease.

In truth, he had no concept of when Alvin would be returning home. The man himself likely didn’t know and thus never gave an estimate, but for the sake of preventing his own embarrassment he hoped that his arrival could at least wait until he was in a less incriminating position.

What made things more difficult with his thoughts towards Alvin, was beyond any sort of erotic images presented to him through teasing or not, the other man simply made him feel _safe_. It may be naïve to trust someone he just met, but Alvin had done nothing but help and provide for him both in a material and emotional sense that everyone else beforehand seemingly never surmounted to. Sure, he’d ask himself what possible gain the other could have for doing all this for him, but every time he thought too long about it, either his mind took a guilty approach to the topic or tried to simply accept that company was really the only payment the mercenary had wanted.

It was with that thought he drifted off, not at all hearing the front door open in the other room. The boy quickly disheveled the sheets previously smoothed out as he curled up. For as soft as his own bed spread was, there was a safety lingering in the scent of the ones underneath him that could not be disturbed by a door click, a dip in the bed, nor a light chuckle. The fingers smoothing out his hair only deepened his peaceful sleep, but he had no way of knowing the man he had been waiting for to return home was already sitting by his side attempting to make sense of the sight before him.

“I was going to make a joke about missing me, but it seems like you really did,” Alvin murmured to the sleeping teen next to him, selfishly taking the time to fully appreciate how he looks. Even just asleep, there’s something alluring about him and especially the fact he’s in his bed.

“Or were you just lonely I wonder?” He tacked on with a twinge of doubt as genuine or no, he knew there was an aspect to their relationship that made whatever Jude may feel toward him a twisted sense of trust and indebtedness that no natural attraction could equal. Their relationship was built on lies and particularly trust that should not have been accepted, but he’s too selfish to stop it and however south it may turn out, he wants the kid’s dependency on him.

Alvin glanced towards the balcony spending less time than he probably should have weighing the pros and cons to what he was about to do. What he wanted to do was far more inappropriate, but for the sake of what he really wanted, he took what selfishness he could. He could afford to be patient, besides things would be far better and more satisfying when Jude came to him himself. Gently, so as not to even potentially wake the other, he went about taking off his coat and scarf, leaving on what clothes were comfortable enough to sleep in and joined him for a nap.

There was a chance it could go poorly, but based on where he found him, it only seemed fair he still get to sleep while the other was in his bed. And that was precisely what he planned on saying if the subject came up. It wasn’t like he wasn’t tired; he had picked up another short job while they were out and it ended in him having to travel a bit more than expected. Leaving Jude alone after just getting him settled really wasn’t something he wanted to do, but the results seemed to fall into his favor regardless.

Absence made the heart grow fonder right? Or so it appeared at least. Honestly, out of all the people he chose to have or at the very least pursue a relationship of some sort with, Jude undoubtedly was an outlier. He didn’t want him in just a carnal way like he did some of the people he ended up in bed with. Nor, did he find himself capable of having a normal relationship with him either.

Jude fell somewhere between all that. He was someone he wanted to sleep with, but someone he didn’t want to run out on the morning after. He was someone he could see himself staying with, but beyond everything wrong about himself, Jude no doubt deserved and for a plentitude of reasons needed someone different. In short, Jude was both too young and too good for a person like Alvin, but he found himself circling after him regardless.

He’d do things like this until the boy made a choice for himself. He’d play the position of respectable adult all the while twisting the other’s affections toward himself. He wouldn’t make a single serious move until Jude himself did.

With a quiet, self-depreciating laugh, Alvin closed his eyes concluding that ruining Jude would probably be the worst thing he had ever done.

The boy’s thoughts upon awaking only proved as much. The embarrassment from finding himself practically wrapped around Alvin who was certainly a surprise to see was expected, but there was an inappropriate, albeit confused, happiness at being in such a position. With how laidback and teasing the other’s tone typically was, it was strange to see him look so serious in his sleep—or troubled was more accurate to say. It made Jude want to try and relax him, but he didn’t dare touch Alvin and in fact was trying to devise how to get up in the quietest way possible.

His mind was already spiraling into possibilities, while also quickly writing all of them off. The most likely scenario was that Jude was in his bed and Alvin being the type to not care for personal space, as suggested by his earlier actions, simply laid down anyway. It was a little disappointing, but maybe with the potential for some of his questions and what ifs to be answered with the man present, he’d be able to put the topic out of his head.

Besides, if he was starting school soon, he doubted he’d have time for much else. Studies took up a large portion of his time and attention and on top of doing what he could to keep the house clean—he’d already done much of that the past few days—worrying over what Alvin thought of him romantically should be easy to put off. He’d never been in a relationship nor sought one out, so there was a chance he was just reading everything wrong as well. It’d be easier to ignore it all and avoid more relentless teasing or worse creating an awkward atmosphere over nothing.

He tried to assure himself as much, as he inched slowly away, unwinding himself out of Alvin’s embrace—he had unconsciously clung to the man’s chest and ended up becoming a pillow in return it seems—and as stealthily as possible returned to the living room. A glance towards the balcony had provided no information on the time of day, but without thinking, he had turned to look anyway. The clock on the wall, however, gave a better answer and he was surprised to see it was still only just before evening.

He must not have laid down for all that long as it had only been mid-afternoon when he worked up the nerve to enter Alvin’s room. Honestly, he was surprised he hadn’t even noticed the other come in, but he’d been told he was a deep sleeper when he actually did fall asleep. Whether or not Alvin was he couldn’t be sure.

He didn’t wake up when he left from the looks of it, but it made him suddenly nervous about making too much noise. Alongside the earlier embarrassment of being caught sleeping in his room, which he can’t be sure he’ll be teased for, now looked like a good time to go drop off the papers and maybe check out the school a bit more closely.

When they were out the other day guilt had kept him from dragging Alvin about the school, but now that he was alone it wouldn’t be wasting the other’s time. There hadn’t been time to make him a new key just yet, so Alvin simply lent him the spare one on the off chance that if Jude was out when he returned he wouldn’t be locked out.

Not that the mercenary would have had much trouble breaking into his own house, but that was a skill about his genuinely shady profession, he wasn’t quite ready for the other to know.

Perhaps, it was the fact it always looked to be night out or the fact it was a far bigger city than his own countryside home, but there was a different kind of air to the place that felt lively no matter what time he stepped out. It wasn’t particularly late just yet, but even glancing down from the balcony the first night he arrived he was surprised to see how many faces were still out and about.

Alvin had warned him not to be fooled into thinking that meant it was safer, but he never felt much inclination to go out at night. Living in a rather sheltered community most of his life with overprotective parents only drilled in a particular paranoia towards things that seemed dangerous. He was a naturally curious child though so even with that fear, at some point or another he’d likely find himself investigating what it was like. 

For now the school would be enough; the reception desk was still open as it wasn’t that late, and the school in general seemed to hold a mix of classes at all times of the day so asking to look around as an interested student didn’t seem impossible. With the night clime, it was likely people’s schedules functioned differently enough to make some people more night owls than early birds. Also with the subject being primarily medicine and thus dealing with human lives, they would need to be taken care of at all times of the day anyway.

The receptionist on the day they asked for the forms to begin with had said it wouldn’t be hard to obtain his prior schooling information. The same person had been there when he was dropping off the forms now and the typical astonishment at revealing just how advanced he was despite being young only left him embarrassed and doing his best to appear modest. It seemed the mail was quicker than expected for these sorts of things, but with the mention of having time to look around, he was quickly assured it would be okay.

The tendency to gossip in his hometown left him briefly afraid his parents would overhear his information being sent here, but even if they were, he doubted they’d find the time to come and get him themselves.

The thought was a little disheartening, but for the best as Alvin seemed particularly worried about them looking for him. He couldn’t even be sure they’d find out as he had mentioned to his teacher that his dad probably wouldn’t be enthusiastic about his decision, but worry over a missing child might win out over anything else. There wasn’t a precise address he gave for them to send letters to in his last letter too so unless they just mailed anything directly to the school he didn’t think he’d be hearing from them at all.

The building functioned as both a school and a hospital as there were patients here and there between the students and presumably doctors and nurses moving about. It was difficult to tell as both alike seemed to wear medical scrubs, but Jude took everything in the same way he had viewed Fennmont after getting off the ship. He still could hardly believe he would be attending the school and so soon.

Despite the size of the buildings from the outside, he didn’t actually spend too long looking around. It didn’t feel very long anyway. There was another building nearby that held dorm rooms he was contemplating checking out, but it didn’t seem necessary for the moment. Alvin had said he wanted the company, but a needless worry over whether he was taking up the man’s space kept worming its way in and on the off chance he ever felt he should move out the dorms would likely be his next option.

He stared at the building, but ultimately decided not to enter, electing instead to turn back towards the apartment. On the way though, a familiar face stopped him and the reminder of why he fled his new home was shoved in his face, the embarrassment he tried to put out of his mind racing back just as quick.

“What, no welcome back? You look terrified to see me,” Alvin was grinning at him as if he wasn’t aware of what he came home to; either his careful avoidance of the subject was his way of being nice to Jude or he’s trying to pretend it hadn’t happened.

Jude isn’t sure which is worse to think about.

“I’m not terrified… just surprised, that’s all,” he explained avoiding his gaze briefly as he knows he’s a pretty terrible liar, before giving a small smile at least for the sentiment he wanted to express, “Welcome home.”

“That’s better,” the older male smiled in return, his eyes flickering to the building behind Jude making a guess as to why he was there, “everything for school settled?”

The teen is able to shift his expression into a genuinely happier one at Alvin’s question, his earlier enthusiasm returning, “Yep! They said all my stuff came in and I just dropped off those forms so until I have to get textbooks I’m set.”

“Well, that settles it then,” Alvin began slinging his arm around Jude guiding them towards the center of town, “Now that I’m back, we can celebrate properly. You okay with eating somewhere a bit fancier tonight?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone (Echo) drEW THIS SAD CUTE SCENE AND YOU ALL SHOULD GO [ LOOK AT IT.... ](http://nagecho.tumblr.com/post/145776340916)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating this a bit early so I don't end up doing it super late tomorrow! I hope you kids like sexual tension and awkward dinner conversation. I'm hoping there aren't a ton of typos in this I feel like I revised some sections of it ten times, but I'll probably notice a typo the second I hit post just to spite me.

If being in a new and notably bigger city than his own quiet little hometown was uncomfortable, as was now living in a rather expensive apartment in said city, eating at such a luxurious place had to take the cake of strange and slightly awkward experiences Jude Mathis was now experiencing.

Part of him had wondered if Alvin had planned this prior, but considering he apparently hadn’t placed a reservation before they arrived only meant one of the following: the place wasn’t the sort that needed that kind of thing, Alvin was somehow important enough to not need one, or Jude was overthinking everything and trying not to panic at how blatant he was being spoiled as of late.

He was doing his best not to focus on it, but it was rather difficult with the atmosphere. The menu had been a nightmare to look at as everything seemed expensive and he couldn’t be sure if there was a sort of etiquette he should be following.

“Hey, you doing all right, kid?” Alvin wasn’t at all lost on how out of place Jude must feel considering a country bumpkin like him probably had never set foot in a place like this let alone a place like Fennmont in general. Watching him squirm was cute, but if he didn’t relax it was unlikely he’d even enjoy the meal or calm down enough to carry a conversation.

“Fine, I’m fine, just wondering how much I owe you and how you expect me to pay it back,” Jude’s voice lowered as if unsure that addressing the price of everything would somehow be insulting.

“Boy you got a one track mind. Didn’t we settle this already before I left?” Alvin asked closing his own menu seconds away from just ordering for Jude. The idea of what it could imply and the embarrassment it might cause only urged him on, tipping him into saying as much. He was leaning towards a more expensive meal on the menu considering how scrawny Jude looked, but soup seemed like the safer option if he was feeling as sick as he looked.

“Look, don’t worry about it. They make a great orange soup here, that sound good?”

He cast an unreadable look towards Alvin, though a twinge of panic was still present in his eyes. All he could give was a quiet nod too nervous to agree verbally to being spoiled.

“Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. Besides, this is supposed to be a celebration! I mean, isn’t that what’s supposed to happen with achievements in life?”

“I wouldn’t really know…” Jude started wondering if elaborating would be a bit too depressing. Although, Leia’s family always put together a special dinner for certain occasions; beyond the tradition of the Chicken Leronde for birthdays, which he hadn’t really gotten to enjoy recently either, they had made a pretty elaborate feast for their as well as some of the other older kids in town’s graduation from the local school. He told Alvin as much, as it was one of the better memories of his home life if he chose to ignore the fact that both of his parents had been too busy to attend due to an accident with one of their neighbors.

“That’s the second time you’ve mentioned a Leia,” Alvin commented offhandedly attempting to prompt conversation and if he were honest fish a bit for information. Jude paused in his explanation of his childhood friend long enough for Alvin to place their orders as the waiter passed by, but even with the brief reminder that they were eating somewhere far too nice for a young teen like him, being pushed into talking about himself and best friend back home eased his worry a bit.

In the back of his mind, Jude couldn’t help but wonder if Alvin had been trying to distract him by doing so as it did help him ignore where they were and what they were doing enough to relax a little. The assumptions he made about him were too kind as the main thought at the forefront of Alvin’s mind about the information he was being given was that Jude had never once referred to Leia as a girlfriend, nor seemed flustered talking about her. With the sort of person Jude was, there was no way he could avoid that kind of behavior when discussing someone he was in love with.

He wondered if Leia would be able to see him for what he was and briefly wished she could stop him from what he desperately wanted to do.

“Sounds like a nice girl, wonder if I’ll ever meet her someday,” he added deciding to top off the list of terrible decisions he’d made this week alone with one more.

“Was she one of the people you were running away from?”

The question sits heavy and rather than panic, Jude responded with an even no. He was fighting with himself on whether he wanted to explain and before he could, Alvin was ordering a bottle of porange wine. The action seemed counterproductive to one who was looking for answers, but beyond knowing Jude wasn’t quite ready to discuss it, a public restaurant—however fancy it was—probably wasn’t the best place to do so. His insistence on putting off hearing the boy’s explanation is a calculated one, rather than one done out of pure consideration.

“Sorry for that, probably not the right time or place. If you feel up to it, you can tell me back home.”

“R-Right,” Jude nodded his head again unsure as to where to direct the conversation. The waiter returned with the bottle and after pouring a glass for Alvin asked if his date would like some as well.

It would seem obvious that Jude was far too young for that sort of thing, but looks could be deceiving and he tried to tell himself that the waiter was simply being polite. Besides, it was more the date comment than the question that was making his face flush.

“He might be a _little_ too young for it. Probably, too young for dating too,” Alvin smiled crookedly at the waiter and it was unclear whether he was laughing at the man or laughing at Jude’s reaction.

“Napple juice okay kid? Or maybe just water, he looks like he’s burning up a bit.”

He was definitely making fun of him.

The waiter in his own embarrassment over making such an assumption, hurried away to fulfill the new request and made an indication he would be returning with their food shortly as well.

Alvin was unsure whether to call the look on Jude’s face petulant or fuming. All he could offer was the same crooked smile that was clearly not at all sorry.

“Come on, say something. I’m not sure if you’re mad that I kept alcohol out of your reach or that I said we weren’t on a date. Did you want this to be one?” He asked careful to make it seem like a joke rather than the more serious observation he planned in doing regarding how Jude answered him. The way he flinched and tried to look away certainly seemed suspicious, but instead of adding any sort of clarification to the things Alvin did say, all he did was give a cryptic answer.

“You’re such a bully.”

“I suppose I am.”

The rest of dinner when it did arrive was not nearly as eventful. Alvin had drunk himself to a comfortable buzz and was simply enjoying the quiet way Jude tried to hide his own enjoyment of the evening once they got passed the older male’s inclination to tease him over most anything.

They hadn’t mentioned family again, and though school had been the reason for the celebrating in the first place, the topic instead drifted towards Alvin. He gave a truthful account of why he was out as before he simply said he had a job, but there was nothing special he needed to hide about it. A woman in town had wanted something brought to Sharliton as quick as possible and had neither the means to mail it nor the time to go herself.

On the subject of jobs, it brought to attention the current worry at the top of his mind however as Exodus had said they’d consider his suggestion, but hadn’t finalized their decision. He was to do as he intended and make it look like Jude had done more than just run away if they were to decide against it, which was why he had already broken one promise to the boy by not dropping off the letter he had said he would.

If he got the okay to do things his way, then he wouldn’t hesitate in sending his folks the okay that their son was fine, but it wouldn’t exactly look good if he showed up to threaten him while Jude’s letter showed up at the same time.

Not that the boy across from him knew any of this.

In a way, he felt just the tiniest bit bad for Derrick considering he didn’t have a high opinion of him, but he had managed to at least get _out_. Not that far and it wasn’t like they lost sight of him entirely, but enough so that he was able to settle down and have a family. There was nothing he could do for Alvin’s mother and the man had stopped mattering in his mind after that point. It was other people and the medicine they made that drove him into situations like this instead. Now that it was his job to get him and bring him back at least long enough for whatever they needed him for, there stood a tiny chance of his past being revealed and also of not being able to leave again depending on the circumstances.

There was a part of Alvin that doubted Exodus was even considering his proposal at all. He didn’t know the first thing about the situation, nor any medical knowledge beyond a meager amount of first aid, so why would an aspiring genius of a med student fit their needs. The reality was something he couldn’t ignore and looking at Jude only made him realize he better start planning how to go about things in such a way that he didn’t completely ruin whatever their current relationship was now.

Even if it gave the kid a wake up call, he still wanted whatever their standing was to remain. Or at least last long enough so he could enjoy it before it all came crashing down. The desperation he had felt at wanting to claim Jude washed over him and it might have been the wine talking, but he really couldn’t help himself from talking about what he chose to ignore earlier.

“I’m happy I got home when I did honestly. Can never be sure how long it’ll take to travel between cities and borders sometimes, but seeing you all curled up in my bed was quite the present to return to. Were you comfy?”

If there had been any soup left for the boy to eat he’s almost positive he’d have been choking on it. The red blooming across his face certainly made him appear dizzy. Admittedly, Alvin had had no intention of bringing it up, especially in this manner. Maybe in a less direct way, or at the very most, he had wanted to wait and see if Jude would mention it himself, but his self-control was waning the more he came to accept that at any moment he may need to betray and thus lose Jude.

After all, he cobbled together this false and kind image of himself; for as nice as Jude was, he surely couldn’t forgive that trust if he broke it. Real people couldn’t be that nice, and yet the kid seemed to be the nicest person he ever met. It might get him killed one day and Alvin was just thankful he was too despicable in other senses to be the one who would do it.

“I-I,” Jude stuttered and it was clear he couldn’t even come up with a fake reason for as fast as his brain could go. If anything, it looked like he overheated.

Alvin just laughed assuredly making the situation worse.

“It’s fine, being in a new place all by yourself must be lonely huh? I’d consider the beds down at Sapstrath closer to something I’d call home than that bed myself,” he explained though aware it made little sense, if any in correlation to what they were discussing.

In Jude’s mind, he probably thought he really considered that little apartment in Fennmont his home, but his real home was somewhere out of his reach so he made due with where he could. No bed was comfier than the ones he said, and with the amount of traveling he did he was hardly even in Fennmont for all that long. His jobs brought him everywhere and he tried to stick closer to Xian Du than anywhere else. This particular apartment was just a convenient location for a job he had to do a few years ago that he chose to keep and maintain on a whim. The memories involved may have been a twinge sentimental, but he told himself he wasn’t even here long enough nor alone now to really dwell on them further.

“I hadn’t meant to,” Jude finally brought himself to answer in a hesitant voice, “I guess I was lonely.” He admitted the last part even quieter than the rest of his speech as it was very rare in his life he could say such a thing. His parents were busy and they had important work; it seemed unfair and childish even as a child to tell them he was lonely. It had gotten easier after making friend’s with Leia, but he couldn’t be near her now. The fact that the sheets had smelled like Alvin and enticed him into making the decision he chose to keep to himself. _That_ part he might actually get teased for.

“You’re a good kid Jude,” Alvin replied in an equally quiet tone, surprisingly empty of any sort of the teasing Jude had expected. “Want any dessert or should I ask for the check?”

The topic shifted before Jude could really even process it and he wondered if that was all they’d speak of it. The teen couldn’t be sure of even how drunk Alvin was nor could he decipher what he was really thinking. It was another time he was seeing something from him beyond the easygoing attitude the other always seemed to display, but it wasn’t as menacing compared to when he dropped it earlier.

If anything, the man sounded oddly guilty. Not wanting to ask for anything else, Jude shook his head.

“Me neither, let’s go home.”

It didn’t take long to get the check, pay and clear out, but all the while, the atmosphere felt stiff and off. Alvin seemed to be walking fine, but Jude couldn’t help wondering if something was wrong with the sudden drop in the other’s normal attitude. The praise felt too sincere and nice; not that the other wasn’t nice, but it was uncharacteristic for sure. He couldn’t ignore the tone it was said in as well, and there seemed something foreboding about it all the more he thought about it.

“Did something happen while you were away?” He asked without thinking, the tendency for his sometimes blunt observations to let themselves out without any filter taking hold.

“Hmm?” Alvin addressed it, but wasn’t sure how necessarily to word his answer. Maybe it was the alcohol catching up to him, but he couldn’t help despising himself and the way he was especially in comparison to someone like Jude. He used people for his own gain and could ignore the empty hole it spread in him, but almost all the people he betrayed were on some level just as terrible as he was. Not Jude though.

“Can’t think of anything,” he finally answered though it wasn’t a complete lie. Nothing had happened while he was gone, but something had happened when he arrived.

“You just seem… sad,” Jude clarified, alternating between looking at his feet as they walked and staring straight ahead. He wasn’t the best at these sorts of things, but if he could make the person who had done so much for him feel better he wanted to.

“Ha, that’s just what it’s like being an adult, kid. There’s all kinds of decisions you have to make and there’s no way of telling which is the right one,” he was purposely cryptic because the more he thought the more he was beginning to doubt his way of doing things. It made him want to run away like he had the tendency to do with all his relationships, but there was nowhere to go. He had created this situation for himself and said he’d stick around. More than that, he wanted to hear what he should be doing before he made anymore plans.

“Though I guess you’ve been doing that a fair amount of that yourself lately,” he tacked on as a last minute thought as the potential that Jude would have come here all on his own entered his mind.

Had he just gone and done what he was sent there to do, maybe things would have gone differently. Maybe Derrick would have just come with him. Maybe Jude would actually hate him and see him for the terrible person he was and just be done with it.  What would reality look like had he not let his fickle and selfish desires take ahold of him?

“Do you… regret letting me come stay with you?” Jude asked trying to keep an even tone though the familiar guilt was creeping back in. The correlation in subjects seemed to suggest that could be what Alvin was talking about, but he had no way of knowing for sure. The thought had him gripping his wrists a little uncertain about what he should be doing.

“No, but I’m starting to wish we had met under different circumstances for sure,” Alvin gave a half-lie as the second part was really the aspect to the whole thing that was weighing on his mind.

Jude let out a noise signifying he wanted to know more than that, but rather than give any answer, Alvin ruffled his hair once more letting himself lean closer to him.

“Don’t worry about it. Like I said, just some hard questions I have to ask myself,” he managed a lopsided grin at the other hating the concern in the kid’s eyes. He was the last person Jude should be concerned about, yet wasn’t this exactly what he wanted?

“Like what?” The teen pushed both out of curiosity and eagerness to help if he could.

“Nosy, aren’t you?” Alvin peered down at him feeling his self-control dropping by the second. Unsure if he wanted to intimidate the other, or merely get his blood pumping, carefully he steered them to the side of the apartment complex as they neared it, pressing Jude’s smaller frame against the wall.

“You’re driving me insane you know that? I’ve been asking myself, just what it is you’re thinking and asking for when you stare up at me with those big, amber eyes of yours.”

He couldn’t tell or even really cared if Jude was scared by his actions. His current mindset was one bordering on desperation and self-destruction.

“It makes me wonder how many times you found yourself in my bed while I was away. It makes me wonder what else you did besides sleep. It makes me wonder if you know what you’ve been asking me for since that first morning we met.”

“Care to tell me?” He leaned in fully aware of the tart alcoholic scent his breath carried, and while Jude does actually look scared now that he’s looking at him, he’s also slightly embarrassed by the look of it.

“I… don’t know what it is I want,” Jude started his voice growing weak as it continued and Alvin couldn’t help feeling a little satisfied he was afraid. It was the first time he felt the boy was actually seeing his true nature. He felt a smidge bad for maybe a moment as he closed the distance and whispered in Jude’s ear.

“Just speak up when you figure it out. Otherwise I’m gonna’ keep getting the wrong impression.”

He backs off the boy and like earlier the scene shifts so fast that it almost seems like the past few minutes had never happened. It was giving Jude emotional whiplash. They had been secluded so no one was there to stare at the bewildering and perhaps worrying behavior displayed by Alvin, and he was content to let his message get across and have the whole thing be ignored.

He wanted to do more than what he did. The urge to bite at the smaller male’s earlobe and move slowly down his neck was overwhelming. He smelled faintly of strawberries, and with how little composure he was sporting at the moment the smartest and safest move was to back off entirely and sleep it off.

Whether he just drove Jude closer or away from him was tomorrow Alvin’s problem. For now, he could only focus on retreating, paying Jude only enough mind to make sure the kid followed him inside so he could lock up properly. Not that any of his enemies would have trouble breaking the lock, but again, that was later him’s problem and one he hoped Jude would never have to deal with anyway.

Jude himself seemed to move between frazzled one moment and dazed the next. Alvin wanted to know what he was thinking because he could only read so much, but he’d done enough damage for the night.

“Join me if you want, but I’m heading to bed,” he announced positive the teen wouldn’t be going anywhere near his room or him for a while. Whether he was just teasing him or eluding to their heated conversation a few minutes prior, even he couldn’t sure of.

The wine had gone to his head and if he hadn’t drunk so much of it, surely would have been going to his dick too. As it was, Jude who was left alone retreated to his own room too mortified at even thinking about joining Alvin in his room after what had happened earlier. If Alvin was frustrated at not being able to know what Jude was thinking, Jude was lost entirely about the growing enigma that was his new roommate.

His jumbled thoughts on how to feel towards Alvin only resurfaced as so many signs pointed to everything that was wrong about it. With Alvin’s potential feelings lumped on top, he couldn’t be sure which aspect of it the man seemed to feel guilty over. It was too soon. Alvin was too old. They both just must be too desperate for company.

All these cons didn’t stop the way his body heated up thinking how close the other was as they pressed him against the wall. Or the way his hot breath felt on his ear. Even the way he called him a good kid echoed in his mind and he was too far gone. For the first time in several years, Jude let himself focus on thoughts in a more inappropriate lens than he probably should. The types of books he read said it was normal, but the embarrassment and however small potential of being caught doing such a thing outside the bath or shower left him unwilling to do anything further.

Alvin was in the next room over and unlikely to visit him again. He mentioned going to bed and thus in the shower before he, himself went to bed, seemed like the perfect place to hide his activities. Embarrassment still coursed through him, but he wanted to ignore it and the problems with what he was doing even if it was just for a short while.

Addressing what they were and what he may want them to be could be left for the morning. That was something unknowingly they both had agreed on.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been very good at sticking to schedules due to impatience either because a chapter is already done or because events happen and I'm unable to have the next one ready in time, but luckily this fic seems to be giving me the opposite problem. So I'm uploading this early or maybe on time now since I apparently gave in last week and uploaded it early on Friday as well. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

There’s a gun in his hand. He can’t recall a time it hasn’t been a part of him as the memories are too far back and pushed into a box he doesn’t like to look into.

His father was supposed to teach him how to use it. His father drowned.

His uncle taught him instead.  Taught him how to shoot. How to fight. How to stop being such a crybaby.

They weren’t lessons he wanted, but after his mother stopped recognizing him properly, he stopped caring about anything else than making sure she was alive enough to at least talk to.

It’s these memories that stand out and stick with him now. They’re what guide his aim and help him pull the trigger. They’re what find him when he wants to sleep, sleep, sleep and give up on his home, his mother who isn’t getting better and himself who is just falling deeper into a pit he can never escape.

He wakes up to a migraine and the distinct albeit tired urge to run away. Something he did last night that he regrets hazily comes to mind, but any notion of dealing with it escapes him. All that’s on his mind is running, but he’s not sure that’s even an option or one that makes sense at the current moment. How he can go from wanting nothing more than to keep Jude to himself to feeling the push to take off the second things looked serious even he can’t understand. It’s likely just another oh so charming aspect of his personality.

Part of him wondered whether the boy in question was even still here with him. It wasn’t too late to turn around and head home so he could find a way to stay at the dorms like he had intended.

The letter attached to his sylph jay waiting patiently by the balcony is only the final nail in the coffin. Depending on how the scene looked in the apartment, he’d leave tonight. Otherwise, he might bring himself to stay just a little longer. The thought of Jude’s face wondering if he chased after him, only to find out the sick reality that he came to take his dad almost brings a twisted smile to his face.

The nausea is kind enough to wait until he stands to hit him, and whether he looked as bad as he felt, would have to wait until he made it to the bathroom. He doesn’t expect Jude to be there, no less with a glass of water waiting on the coffee table.

“Ah… I saw your sylph jay leave from my room and figured you were probably up,” he started, but it’s tense and between the pain in Alvin’s head and the strained way Jude’s speaking to him, he can’t tell whether his tone is closer to fear or just uncertainty.

“How’s your head? I can ease the pain a little too, if you want I mean,” the tone of his voice shifted into one Alvin has learned he uses when there’s something he can offer, but it quickly moves back into a scattered nervous mess.

“Water’s good for now. Just another lesson to learn about being an adult,” the older male chuckled, his voice a bit raspy and just a touch self-depreciating. He tried to tell himself that even if it was healing, the thought of spirit artes still freaked him out after twenty years, but really it just didn’t feel right to accept something like that from Jude right now. He’d take the water because he would have gotten that himself though.

“Just let me know,” Jude shuffled onto the other side of the couch to allow room for Alvin to sit, and it was clear the empty seat between them was supposed to act as a buffer to whatever mood was remaining from last night. There was an apology in order somewhere, but Alvin wasn’t entirely sure how to word it, nor what aspect he should apologize for.

He wasn’t exactly sorry for pointing out the dance they were doing around each other. If he hadn’t been able to pull himself back at the last minute, his regrets would probably be twice the amount they were right now. Hell, as an adult, he should have put a stop to it last night and told the kid flat out that nothing could happen.

Instead, he wanted to not only push it further, but worse make Jude be the one to think he wanted it and ask him for it. The silence only stretched and the fact Jude hadn’t gone back to the book he had clearly been reading before Alvin’s arrival only made it clear someone should either leave or address the elephant in the room.

If Alvin were a better person, he’d like to think he would have addressed it, but rather than make any effort to fix or clean up his mess, he elected to give the kid some more space and shower. Pending how the rest of the day turned out, there was a chance he would be on a ship back to Leronde in a few hours anyway.

Until Jude made any effort to visit home, it was unlikely he’d learn a thing. As things stood now, the boy was sure they at least knew he was alive and safe even if that wasn’t true either.

Alvin finished his shower and morning hygiene resolving to throw more sparks in whatever fire he created to see how it reacted rather than handle things directly. He told himself it was only because he neglected to bring any clothes in the bathroom with him, but really he just wanted to gauge Jude’s reaction.

If he was repulsed, then he’d leave. If he was interested, but embarrassed most likely, then he’d stay for a day or two before heading out. He wants to push the boy’s boundaries to the point where he confronts him. Alvin would return all of the mixed signals he received with eve more jumbled ones until their communication became so confusing that one of them had to take the bait and fix things—and it wasn’t going to be him.

It takes a few minutes for Jude to even look up from his book, only noticing Alvin’s reappearance from the effort the other puts in closing the door loud enough to get attention. The words he was about to greet him with falter upon noticing his state of dress—or rather lack thereof as he only had a towel on and nothing more. Alvin pretends not to notice, and Jude tries to compose himself; it’s kind of cute really.

“See something you like?” Alvin knows the line is so typical and cheesy, but the point is to create some sort of retort on the other’s behalf.

“You’re ridiculous,” Jude rolled his eyes, before turning them back to his book. Admittedly, he was currently patting himself mentally on the back, as the sight of the other man half naked and still slightly wet did remind him of images he thought of the night prior, but when said man actually opened his mouth the image fell apart. In a way, he was both glad and disappointed. There was a need for clarity between them, but with Alvin’s typical jokes it helped ease the tension just a little.

He doesn’t expect the mercenary to draw closer attempting to drape himself on Jude from the back of the couch and it’s only thanks to the teen’s current activity that he can give a convenient and smooth excuse for moving away so quickly.

“Hey! Don’t drip on the pages, and go get changed!”

“Make me.”

“You’re impossible.”

“And you’re a bookworm. Seriously, I wasn’t in there that long, how did you get through such a big chunk of that while I was gone.”

Alvin’s antics are reminiscent of that of a five year old trying to get attention from a too busy parent and for as much as Jude is playing the part of disgruntled parent, he’s secretly happy the apartment isn’t so empty anymore. With how persistent the other seems to be, Jude eventually gives in and slides the book over to the table to prevent it’s pages from being ruined, and he’s rewarded in a way he isn’t sure he wanted.

“That’s a good boy—” Alvin whispered by his ear again, but his lips aren’t touching his skin. Within seconds, the older male’s pulled back and heading towards his room.

“You eat yet? We can go out for breakfast if not. Place across from here makes pretty good omelettes.”

It takes a few moments for the question to even register as Jude is too focused on those damning words that were spoken just a few minutes prior. Alvin had wanted his attention to act like a nuisance and sort out breakfast, so why did he insist in doing it in such a physical manner.

And why did he keep letting himself get wound up every time Alvin called him good even if it wasn’t serious.

“Kid?” Alvin’s expression suggested he was concerned, but internally he was filing away all the possible things that could have caused the flush on Jude’s face. He already knew from last night his ears seemed sensitive (most people’s were), but it seemed a little strong for even just that. Jude almost certainly had no experience in this sort of thing, but he didn’t think he was _that_ sensitive when he could respond to all kinds of teasing with jeers and nonplussed retorts on his own.

“Y-Yeah, sounds good,” he couldn’t tell if Alvin was doing it on purpose or not. Or if he even knew—the man was rather perceptive especially when it came to teasing, but he looked worried rather than pleased. The look he got before Alvin’s door closed presumably so he would finally change gave the impression he knew something was up, but based on their lack of communication he doubted it would come up.

In truth, it was partly why he was regretting agreeing so readily to going somewhere to eat. He couldn’t discuss what was going on between them in such a public place, but for a number of mixed reasons he didn’t feel right in declining the offer either. He had thought of offering to cook them something, as since he had started living here, the fridge had more ingredients than none at all, but maybe ignoring the subject for now would be the best.

Either Alvin was ignoring it, or both of them were suffering from being unsure how to approach it. Jude had wanted to ask him bluntly, as that was typically the best approach, but not only was the thought mortifying, he doubted he could say it so directly. While he waited, he tidied up. Thinking up ways to broach the subject was simply put on a backburner while Alvin’s cup was washed and his book returned to the shelf for now.

The living space he felt inclined to keep a certain level of order to as it still felt strange to refer to it as home. Despite the abundance of welcomes and assurances he’d been given, it felt uncomfortable to accept so much for practically nothing in return. His guilt over it spiked less frequently especially with Alvin back and readily reminding him that it was fine, but he doubted he’d feel like it was his place too anytime soon.

It was a little surprising it was taking Alvin so long to get ready, but with how extravagant he felt the need to look, in hindsight, maybe it wasn’t so much so. Jude himself had already gotten changed when he first woke up, that too feeling strange as many of his outfits were a mix of what he thought would look more natural in a city like Fennmont and namely things Alvin had said would look good on him. It made it difficult to deny his choices what with him paying so his closet had a number of things he only mildly agreed actually suited him.

With how shockingly fashion oriented Alvin seemed to be, Jude was doing his best not to feel so self-conscious about his own appearances. If Leia were here, she’d likely tease him for worrying so much over something like that, but he tried to tell himself it was justified even if all the evidence pointed to Alvin very much enjoying his looks. The thoughts were thankfully cut off with the very person he’d been thinking of finally showing themselves.

All of the earlier tension melted away in a more public setting and namely as they drew further away from the apartment complex. Jude tried not to think about just what position they were in by the side of the building the night prior as he’d done enough of that in the shower and instead on the normal banter they managed to reestablish.

The talk was in equal parts satisfying and disappointing. It didn’t provide any answers to last night’s queries, but it eased Jude’s loneliness and made things feel less strained than when Alvin first left his room. He wanted answers, but he didn’t want to ask. He wanted an easygoing, comfortable friendship like this, but he wanted to know if there was more. The food and conversation had been worth it, and the teen tried to tell himself as they returned home that worrying over what ifs wasn’t worth it. Worrying over what the little things could mean took away from moments like this where it was nice to just have pleasant company.

It was easier said than done, but even with all the other issues, if he didn’t rush into anything, maybe things could feel a little less wrong. The idea of telling his parents and even somewhat Leia that he could be dating and was living with an older man certainly wasn’t something he felt comfortable with, but making the choice to actually go through with any of those notions when they knew each other a bit better would at least ease his own worries.

Halfway through the center of town, Alvin stopped and looked towards the seahaven pausing Jude as well mid-thought.

“You go on ahead, there’s something I forgot I wanted to check out,” Alvin explained walking in the direction he had been looking without waiting for Jude to give any answer. He thought of following after him, but there hadn’t been time to ask if he could. Jude couldn’t deny he was curious, but surely, it wasn’t something so important that he couldn’t tell him when he got back, right?

With no clue on the lie he’d be given upon the other man’s arrival, Jude elected to wait and ask later. There was nothing Alvin had in mind that he actually wanted to look at; he simply needed a convenient way to explain why he’d be heading out again in a few days. And what better way than saying he was looking to see if there were any clients around the docks?

Things seemed to be going to the course he wanted them to again and it was by something short of miracles he didn’t really believe in that Jude bothered to stay by him. Getting drunk and honest with him in a little too handsy manner wasn’t the worst of things he could do considering what he’d be doing to the kid—or rather his family—in a few days, but still he’d think it’d be a sign to run for the hills.

The boy really was too trusting, hopefully to the fault where he stayed sweet and moldable. He had enough gald on him to leave for Jude to use while he was away as it might be a bit longer than just a week if he had to head from Fennmont to Leronde, then to Xian Du and back. Making sure he had enough to live on and afford whatever he needed was essential to keeping him around and aside from the medicine, Exodus’ jobs were always filthy enough to have gald to spare usually. Making a profit on whatever small jobs popped up along the way never hurt either.

Either way breaking it to Jude was going to be rough. He’d likely be able to stick around longer when it was done, minding they don’t stick him with another complicated job immediately after. Just one more long break before he could get back to his little pet project.

He’s able to think of a story simple enough by the time he reaches the door to their apartment finding Jude back in the same place he had been before they left.

“Everything all right?” He greeted him with, but based on where a question like that put them the last time the teen asked him, it has Alvin searching for any new signs of hesitancy in his tone. Shockingly, he doesn’t find any.

“Yeah, just thought I’d scope out the docks for business. Mercenaries gotta’ take what jobs they can find,” he explained a little happy to see Jude’s face fall over the statement clearly signaling where it brought his thoughts to.

“Oh… sounds tough.” It was obvious that Alvin would be leaving again, but part of Jude even with all the baggage that came from the night before, had hoped his next departure wouldn’t be so soon.

“Well, we can’t all be on the path to becoming genius doctors,” he laughed not minding in the slightest if a twinge of bitterness came through it, but his lifestyle isn’t Jude’s fault and it isn’t something he’d wish on him either.

“Don’t worry though, I might be gone a while, but I’m not leaving for a few days. Someone was looking for an escort to Xian Du, and there’s someone I wanted to check on up there anyway.”

There’s relief present in Jude’s shoulders at hearing the news and it still managed to surprise Alvin. Many of his actions Jude didn’t even know of, but even with the things he’d already done wrong and let slip, the fact he was happy Alvin wasn’t leaving so soon was strange.

He was almost positive he’d terrified the poor kid last night, and yet here he was lamenting his absence. Maybe he really was just lonely. He hadn’t exactly been lying when he said Jude’s actions confused him at times. The moment he thought he got a read on what he may have been thinking or feeling, or sure that he’d ruined things, Jude would react all bashful from his teasing.

“Um, who were you going to see, if I can ask,” Jude’s curiosity should be easy to predict, but it only further emphasized Alvin’s confusion. It was the sort of question that the average person likely would be turned away from asking based on experience; and while there is more hesitancy than before, he trusts that Alvin will do nothing horrible to him for asking so he does so anyway. Honestly, it just makes the mercenary want to rile him up.

“A special lady,” he winked at the other echoing his actions from the morning the topic first came up. He’s… not technically lying. His mother _is_ special to him, but not in the sense Jude might think, and from his expression, probably not in a way he wanted.

“Is that…who you were writing to?” Jude asked further and there is an odd satisfaction to be had in his poorly disguised disappointment.

“May have been. Still interested in knowing?” Alvin raised his eyebrows finding fun in poking Jude’s buttons. He wanted him to be jealous, or rather, he wanted there to be an indication of it. There was a high likelihood he’d get the same response he had the first time he eluded to this topic, but it didn’t hurt trying again.  It only exacerbated the situation each time.

“I don’t think I want to know,” he sighed, turning away at that and back to the book in his lap in an effort to hide, but considering they only had a few days left before Alvin had to leave again, he wasn’t quite ready for their current conversation to end. Taking one final pick at the festering wound, he decided to come clean.

“Relax, I was talking about my mother,” Alvin finally revealed, finding the shock on Jude’s face along with how fast he twisted to look at him too amusing.

“You mentioned her before… but then why did you make it sound so dirty?” His face contorted into mild disgust at that before continuing on, any thought to hesitate before asking his questions gone, “Why is she in Auj Oule? Is she okay? You made it sound like…”

Death was a sensitive topic especially in a clinic and it was one of the few things Jude had conditioned himself to be careful when speaking about. He had a bad tendency of not thinking before he spoke or of saying the wrong thing without meaning to. Either way, the topic wasn’t one of Alvin’s favorites and he was already regretting the fact he brought it up even if it did serve a purpose.

“She’s… not doing that great, no. There’s someone taking care of her up there though and I stop in when I can,” he explained and it was one of the few times he came off as nervous while talking to Jude. There was never anything that positive to say about the situation and typically the more people who knew of her existence the more potential there was of her being used as a hostage or worse. She’s suffered enough and he can’t see Jude ever doing something like that so it felt safe enough to mention.

There were more questions Jude wanted to ask, but a myriad of facts came to light with the information being presented to him. Out of concern, first was the wonder of why she wasn’t staying in the room Alvin had mentioned he planned to have brought her. Talim was known as being the most advanced hospital and medical school in Rieze Maxia, so was her condition something even they couldn’t treat? Sitting farthest behind all of these thoughts though, was the inappropriate one suggesting that Alvin was in fact not seeing someone else and thus may have been actually serious with his flirting as he said.

He at least had enough sense to tell that now was not the time to address the matter though, it did remind him that if he had a few days until Alvin was leaving, mentioning it one of those days was something he wanted to do. There’s a twisted part of him that wanted to ask if he could go with even and before he properly forms the thought it’s leaving his mouth.

“It…isn’t that long going between here and Xian Du, is it?”

The question catches Alvin off guard, as there were a number of implications the question had and he wasn’t positive on which it was Jude was asking about.

“I’d say a week and a half, maybe two tops. Although, in this season, it’s rare storms get bad enough to delay ships so might be a bit quicker than that I couldn’t say,” he added managing to sound as natural as he wanted though Jude’s inquiry left him slightly cautious. The return of his disappointment only baffled the mercenary more.

“We wouldn’t get back in time then, huh…” Jude said quietly and in a tone that suggested he was speaking to himself rather than the one next to him. At first, Alvin thought he was disappointed he wouldn’t be back in time for the start of classes having connected what time he was referring to, but the mention of we…

“Whoa, whoa, you really weren’t just about to ask if you could come with me were you?” He doesn’t mean to shoot the other down in such a harsh manner, but aside from the fact Jude _couldn’t_ go, he really couldn’t imagine him trying to fight.

“And what if I was going to?” Jude’s defiant tone only highlighted how young he was and Alvin is quick to point it out.

“Beyond that unfortunate time restraint, I honestly can’t picture it. To get to Xian Du, you have to pass through the Lakutum Highroad, and aside from the monsters there, one minute with the Lord of Lakutam and you’d probably be dead,” he explained and didn’t really want to linger on the thought of Jude trying to face a beast like that. He’d been fortunate to only run into it once or twice and it was from a safe enough distance that he could avoid an encounter entirely.

“I’m not a helpless child, I know how to fight,” Jude argued, as even if he couldn’t go due to time, what pride he did have was a little insulted by Alvin’s insinuation that he was weak.

“Oh? You really don’t seem the type,” Alvin actually sounded a bit amazed, but it ends up sounding sarcastic, as he wasn’t quite sure he can believe it. Jude is just so…small and while he admits he can be nimble, he doesn’t really look like he could hit that hard.

“Leia and I used to do martial arts training with her mom every morning. Although, they both tended to use staffs, I stuck to hand-to-hand,” his earlier petulance managed to slink into something more bashful and tad wistful likely due to the fact he hadn’t seen them for quite a bit, “I still do stretches every morning, but I kind of miss practicing with Leia. Even if she did only beat me up…”

He doesn’t even realize his tangent ended up contradicting the very point he was struggling to make. Luckily, Alvin is too distracted by Jude’s mention of stretches than his nostalgic sentiments and is busily trying to push away the images it brings—Jude does seem like he’d be very flexible.

“Look kid, if you’re that insistent maybe some other time. Probably best to do a bit of traveling anyway and it’ll be easier to keep you safe when I don’t have to worry about a client on top of that,” Alvin was just thankful the other hadn’t tried to argue further or find a way to go anyway. The reason he tacked on a few extra days is because he’d be stopping by Leronde making the trip slightly longer. Normally, ships stopped at the seahaven to fill up on supplies anyway, but he’d be staying there at least a night to carry out his business. Business Jude couldn’t be around for or know about.

“Just tell me when you have a long enough break, okay?”

The promise of a later expedition seemed to be enough to appease the teen and he showed as much with a smile and nod. Seeing new places he hadn’t been before with a new friend did sound nice, but he also wanted to know more about Alvin in general. Meeting someone like his mother was a way to do that, and admittedly, even if it was seemingly hopeless, he wanted to see if there was anything he could do to help her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a time jump waiting next chapter and I promise the gaps will be filled in despite it not appearing so at first, thank you so much for reading still and for the kudos and comments!
> 
> Also, I updated my profile info on here in case people wanted to talk at all by the way! I'm attempting to be more sociable these days, but am still not very good at it I think...


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who has no self control whasoever. also as a heads up this may not be updated for a bit as a result of me posting this super early! i have a lot of projects and exams/essays coming up, but i power wrote this chapter this morning and i want to share the Suffering. technically half of the next chapter is done too, but i don't know when it'll be finished because i am starting to be kind of busy.

The first week without Alvin wasn’t as bad as Jude expected it to be. He’s a bit more at ease with calling the apartment his considering he actually got to spend a bit more time with the person who offered to give him space, but at times still finding himself a little out of place now that said person is gone. They hadn’t done anything too eventful, and the subject Jude had wanted to mention remained untouched.

The only other sign that any of it had even happened was the way Alvin acted before leaving. The day before he had run up to the school and managed to get a rough list of the things he’d need and Alvin was nice enough to come with and get most of, but there were other expenses to worry for as well. As he was explaining what he planned on leaving for Jude and where everything would be, without the boy noticing, Alvin had once more come closer, but rather than lean on him or touch him directly he just hovered nearby pointing out this or that.

It was distracting to the point where Jude could only give a wordless nod when Alvin asked him to confirm that he’d heard him. Without moving away just yet, he if anything leaned closer and Jude swore for sure he’d picked up on the effect his words had based on his expression and position.

“You be a good boy while I’m gone, ya’ hear?”

He was close enough to catch the shiver it gave Jude and as expected the one moment the teen finds the perfect time to address the subject, Alvin is out the door and avoiding it at all costs. He had only barely been given enough time to tell him to come back safe, let alone ask for an explanation. What made it worse is the man didn’t even seem that guilty about leaving him for over a week to ponder away at what any of it meant.

Homesickness was eating at him worse as the days went on too and he eventually took to occupying the library in order to both get ahead on his studies and use it as an excuse to get out of the apartment. He wished he had Leia to talk to and ask about all these confusing signs Alvin kept leaving, but he had a feeling she’d just tease him. It was a similar kind of fear holding him back from asking Alvin.

There was always the fear that if he gave into making a move of some kind, it’d just end in ridicule. That the mercenary’s actions were just a joke to tease him and he fell for it by developing a feeling that he was nervous to name. He’d long since given up trying to distinguish if what he felt was closer to lust than any sort of romantic feelings, but he tried to tell himself it didn’t matter either way.

If he wanted to continue trying to live the way he was now, he’d inevitably be by Alvin’s side for a while longer. Keeping whatever thing there was between them now safe was his main priority and delving into any of it might jeopardize that.

He knew that yet images and past conversations only reminded him of how difficult it was to put the whole thing out of his mind.  Meeting new people even if they were only just acquaintances wasn’t enough. Drowning himself in medical facts or the structure of his new school wasn’t enough. Mundane domestic chores around the apartment only made it worse. The only solace he found was late at night—not that it made much difference given the never-ending night Fennmont gave—in the apartment where he took to silently slipping into Alvin’s room.

With knowing a more solid time and place there was little chance of being caught at least this week so he could allow himself this one selfish act, couldn’t he?

It was harder as the second week began and the eve of classes and Alvin’s imminent return drew closer. The other’s bed hardly smelled like the man anymore and well aspects of his room certainly did, he wondered if Alvin would know of his actions somehow anyway. It was embarrassing and like he had kept trying to do the rest of the past week just push it all away under the guise of life.

There were a few people he managed to make acquaintances with as they grew used to seeing his presence in the library or around the school building, but he wasn’t sure if he could truly call them friends quite yet. His natural inclination to be polite and friendly had always led to people being on decent terms with him, but something about him just seemed to keep that distance what it was.

Leia was someone who broke past most of that and he couldn’t deny that while he was happy to have some form of company during the days again, he wished he could know how she was doing; how his mom and dad were doing. It had him glancing towards the seahaven more often than not, but a tiny part of him would always drift towards the question of when Alvin would be home too. That was usually the point where he chose to continue on to wherever he was heading whether it be to the apartment or to the school.

Given the time he had remaining, he contemplated trying to go to Leronde for at least part of the week, as even if he sent a letter he felt he owed them some kind of explanation too. He was afraid his father would force him to stay there or Alvin would come back to an empty apartment and assume the worst. Not that he wouldn’t leave a note, but still, it all seemed to hold too many risks and it seemed easier to find excuses than face be his own meek personality.

By the time it had reached the weekend before classes officially started, he simply accepted that it had always been a bad idea from the start to stop by Leronde. It was a little worrying Alvin still wasn’t back, but based on his estimate he was likely on his way. There was no worry about being short on anything for classes, but it’d ease his worries to know the older male was safe. His loneliness wasn’t as bad as last time considering there were some people he could go talk to if he wanted, but he couldn’t deny they weren’t Alvin.

It might have been called pining. Before it had simply just been loneliness, but Jude was afraid to admit such a thing. He wanted to address it this time. He wanted to force Alvin to give him a straight answer. The resolve managed to stick for a day or two, but as time went on his doubts piled and he grew fearful all over again and he had spent the past two weeks going back and forth on the matter whenever he considered it. As the time grew shorter and shorter, even distractions stopped managing to help, but it wasn’t like he could explain his anxiety which was growing more and more apparent even to his new acquaintances.

His situation wasn’t exactly normal. In fact, it had been difficult enough to explain why he wasn’t staying in the dorms as merely saying a friend offered him a spare room only caused more questions. It wasn’t cheap to live in Fennmont, but Alvin made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t think the man was swimming in gald, but it was clear he wasn’t running low either. Talks of money only made him feel worse and there was no way to communicate it either, so he simply gave up after a point and headed home early, making up yet another excuse of something he needed to take care of in a sure to be empty apartment.

All of it keeps him from even glancing towards the ships wanting to ignore the impeding questions and fears that had been bothering him all week.

The sooner he got back to the place he both wanted and feared calling home the sooner he could bury himself in his own sheets and wait until he had to attend class in the morning. His haste only slowed down when he opened the door to see Alvin’s boots by the doorway, a clear signal the other was _home_.

He was home and despite two weeks of preparation, Jude had not thought of a single word to say to him. Luckily, he doesn’t have to.

Almost mirroring the image from days before the man’s departure, the teen is greeted to the sight of Alvin half-naked, dripping and attempting to maneuver his way to his own room, a large and still somewhat fresh gash evident on his chest.

Any sense of fear Jude had vanishes instantly and what medical training he did have kicked in, his own boots already off and feet rushing across the room.

“What, not even a hello?” Alvin joked, but it’s strained by his injury.

Jude ignored him and instead took to channeling mana, a warm, green glow easing from his palms, “What happened?”

“Told you that Lakutam Highroad is nasty. I just got cocky I guess. Or maybe I was just overeager to get home,” the man directed a wink at him, the implied yet silent _to see you_ is lingering, but Jude doesn’t even have it in him to play along and pretend to be exasperated.

“So why didn’t you go to a hospital or have someone look at it when you were at the seahaven. Did you even have anyone look at this? You can’t just heal something like this with gels.”

“Seems to work fine most other times. Look, it’s really not that ba—”

Jude cut him off finding his hands and ability to focus more shot than it should be when he’s trying to heal. It’s something he knows how to do, and something he can finally do to help and repay the other, but he can’t help the images of Alvin’s torn apart, bleeding body laying in a field somewhere being eaten by whatever monsters caused the injury from popping up.

“I should have been there,” he kept muttering to himself and it’s irrational and even on some level childish. The man he’s healing isn’t dead or even close to dying. Alvin had lived all his life doing things like this. He said it himself the injury wasn’t that bad, but it has Jude so terrified at what it could imply and what has been bothering him for the past two weeks that it becomes more than a regular injury on the job.

Alvin seemed to figure something was wrong more than what was on the surface and went uncharacteristically silent, letting the soon to be medical student simply work. It helped to ease the shaking in Jude’s hands slightly as he was able to finally concentrate on the task at hand. His reaction is stronger than it should be. His actions are more telling than they should be, but he’s just so afraid of what could have happened.  The cut starts to recede a little, but there’s still a lot of healing it has to do on its own. It doesn’t look infected, and it’s far smaller than it was when Jude first started. Eventually the glow stopped, but his hands are still hovering near Alvin’s chest, and there’s an explanation, a conversation, a need for something to happen between them. It has to be now or it’ll forever be a joke because as much as Jude tried to push seriousness when he could build up the courage, Alvin rarely let it linger.

“I’m home,” is all Alvin manages to say given the situation. He seemed off himself, and whether it was from the almost embarrassing display Jude gave upon entering or something else the teen couldn’t tell.

“Welcome home,” Jude returned the sentiment, still hovering in what was probably too intimate of a manner  for someone who had only known Alvin for barely a month; most of which the two had barely gotten to spend with each other.

“Let me get changed all right?” Alvin broke whatever tension hung in the air and it took Jude a few moments to register the noise of the door closing. The offer to bandage the injury as well was on the tip of his tongue, but that same hesitation took hold preventing him from vocalizing the thought.

Jude had thought there was a quiet implication that after they would finally talk. He can’t tell what has changed, but things feel different. Alvin feels different. There’s a tiny part of him that wanted to chalk it up to being injured or even as a reaction to how Jude took him being injured, but deep below all those things, he can’t help wondering if it’s something else. His expression was hard to read. The way he looked and spoke to Jude was gentle, but held traces of what he thought might be guilt. It was reminiscent to how he acted the morning after he pinned him to the side of their apartment, but it held a slightly different quality.

Eventually Alvin emerged from his room, only in one of the shirts he typically wore under his coat and pants. There was a hint of the bandage peeking out from where his shoulder met his neck, but Jude only focused on it because he was afraid to meet the other’s eyes.

“You want to tell me how your week went?” Alvin asked and Jude’s throat went dry. There was nothing to say. That wasn’t what he wanted to talk about at all, and he can’t help wondering if Alvin completely misunderstood his earlier panic. Or maybe he was trying to give him a way out of it.

He forced himself to glance at the other, but his gaze remained unreadable, albeit ready for an answer of some kind. He doubted the one he planned to give was the one Alvin was expecting, “I think I know what I want.”

The man’s eyes widened, and looked almost pained for a moment. It provided Jude with no idea on how he took his statement.

“You… told me to let you know when I did. Well, I think I do now.”

“You do, huh?” Alvin’s voice dropped with a tone Jude isn’t sure how to describe. He simply nodded and tried to carry on afraid he’d back down the moment he lost momentum.

“I think I want to try this. If you were actually serious all those times…” Jude’s tone grew hesitant there if only out of embarrassment at such an admission.

“Kid…” Alvin started, but even he didn’t seem to know where he wanted to go with his statement. Based on how he spoke, it was likely some sort of attempt to get the other to reconsider or think more, but all Jude had done this week was think.

“I mean it,” he pressed, catching Alvin’s gaze completely trying to appear more confident about it than he felt.

“You’re not just… saying that because of this are you?” The mercenary gestured towards his wound, and Jude did drop his gaze at that.

“Not quite… I mean they do say you only realize what you have when you almost lose it, but—”

“Jude—”

“I’ve been thinking about it since you left,” Jude explained, cutting the other off, gripping the cloth of his own pants and tearing his gaze away as nervousness took over, “no matter how much I tried, I kept thinking about it.” He laughed a bit nervously, trying to keep talking.

“I made some friends. I think they’re friends anyway, but um, they just don’t make me feel the way you do despite you being a new friend too. I thought it was telling, y’know?”

“You don’t know what you mean.”

The continued interruptions made Jude hesitate again. Alvin’s entire demeanor, his attitude, all of it felt like a reversal from before he left. What happened to the flirtation? To the subtle hints and lingering gazes and all those looks that seemed to be begging Jude to say or do something he had no idea of. It had him going quiet, wondering if maybe he hadn’t thought enough, but something just seemed wrong.

“Did I do something?” He finally thought to ask even if the answer might scare him. It was the only possibility that seemed plausible for the sudden shift in attitude, but even then, things still didn’t add up. Why was he suddenly being pushed away and rejected like this?

“No, no, I just…” Alvin rushed to explain, but it died off shortly after. The silence stretched for a few minutes, before he picked it back up, his voice even quieter than before.

“You wouldn’t say that if I hadn’t been injured. You wouldn’t be saying any of this if you just…”

_‘If you knew,’_ is what he almost says, but he can’t even admit that. His jobs however terrible they may have been never bothered him like this before. Maybe a few. He had a lot of regrets, and even the contents of this particular job he didn’t completely regret. But Jude…

“If I knew what?” Jude finished for him, quiet and wondering if he were even allowed to ask.

“Knew what I was really like,” Alvin brings himself to say even if he can’t give a proper explanation. Jude didn’t seem to get it though and only offered him a small smile, slowly moving his hand to touch the tips of Alvin’s fingers assuming it to merely be some insecurity the other had.

“I want to know though. Don’t you think that’s for me to decide?”

It was such a pure notion that someone like Alvin didn’t deserve in the slightest. He yearned for it though. He ached for such an accepting person like Jude, but surely the kid couldn’t be that forgiving. Alvin wasn’t a good man, a strong man. He was a troublemaker who grew up into a criminal. A crybaby through and through.

He brought a hand up to cover his eyes with the hand Jude wasn’t touching though no tears ever came.

“I guess it’s your call then kid,” he swallowed the urge to say more. To damn it all before it began, because he couldn’t deny he wanted this however wrong and unfair it was to Jude.

It was the boy’s wishes, right? It wasn’t his fault if this is what he chose, right?

Jude’s surprisingly calloused fingers finally pushed to thread through Alvin’s and he never felt like more of a terrible human being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next week we get to see Alvin's fun adventure 8) I hoped you guys enjoyed! I'm unsure if people are still actually enjoying this story, but I hope you are?? ? ? ?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the Suffering pt 2.

Alvin tried to push the morning out of his head as he gazed out at the water. His suspicions had been confirmed that Jude most certainly had _something_ for him, but it only made things twice as difficult. So it was best left in a corner of his mind where he didn’t have to look at it as he tore the kid’s family apart.

Luck had been on his side enough to prevent Jude from actually being able to come with him, but ironically, he’d have preferred him to, had this job been the one he told Jude it was. The image of the boy leading him about his hometown, pointing out the sights and introducing him to the Leia he was constantly hearing about and even maybe his parents was a dream he was destroying.

Even if he came back to Leronde someday with Jude actually with him, it wouldn’t be that picturesque. Maybe at the seahaven or a little ways down the street, but upon reaching where people would recognize Jude, someone would say something. That happy little visit home would only end up heartbreak and it would all be Alvin’s fault.

It was just the nature of his life to hurt the people he cared for; he often did it without even trying. Meeting Jude and coming to actually feel something beyond surface lust and what usually was only a temporary infatuation was never a part of the plan. Hell, he had been meaning to kidnap the kid, not offer him a home. Maybe it was just a sign that he wasn’t cut out for jobs like this. He’d follow through and complete it, but they always left a bad taste in his mouth. It had him gritting his teeth as the shore drew closer in sight and he just barely kept himself from gripping the letter he’d be setting his sylph jay off with.

His personality was often loud and tended to stand out, but he knew how to quiet it down when needed. Most of the afternoon he took to hanging around the docks at least until evening hit. He made himself sparse in town even if he did stand out a bit just from being a stranger. When the skies darkened and he caught sight of the doctor returning home, he finally sent the jay off with a simple note saying Jude had been kidnapped and to meet him at the docks if he wanted him back. He had briefly wondered if the man would bring anyone else, but upon seeing him alone he could only thank the fact Derrick’s pride was still the same as always.

The hand he raised in greeting was quickly dismissed as the doctor got to his point recognizing him instantly.

“ _You’re_ the one who took my son?”

Alvin only chuckled and scratched the back of his head, “No, that job wasn’t mine. I’m just here as an escort; that is speaking you actually want him back,” his gaze hardened when the words left his mouth, still aware on some level of the intimidation he was supposed to be showing.

“Of course I do, where is he?”

“Whoa now, he’s fine, just kind of far from here. You’d be exchanging yourself for him after all,” the mercenary explained looking up while his hands were still behind his head, the corner of his eyes still trained on the doctor.

“They have him up at Xian Du, well, closer to that old laboratory. You must have heard of it right?”

Derrick looked as nonplussed as when he arrived, though a twinge of irritation could be seen in his expression. Oddly, there flashed a bit of guilt too.

“I had assumed Jude had just run away and stupidly got himself in trouble. I didn’t think…”

“That it was your fault?” Alvin offered with a sense of sympathy that was not the least bit sincere.

He may have felt bad that the poor doctor was being dragged back under after managing to get out, settle down and even have a kid, but there was an irrational jealousy he held towards the man for it. Because he _got_ out. He _got_ to pretend and act like he had always been a part of this world, when both of them were freaks who were just outsiders. The fact his child was practically a genius channeler from the sounds of it seemed like a cruel irony, but from the glimpse he had of his mother, it was less surprising. It seemed he took after her in more than just looks.

“It’s pointless to think about now. I just want him safe…” He explained and surprisingly it actually sounded genuine.

“Well, let’s get going then. You get to say your goodbyes? I assume your wife at least knows where you were heading,” Alvin responded coldly, trying to be as detached as possible. He couldn’t let his own sense of guilt get in the way now, even if Jude would probably hate him for this if he ever knew.

“Will you be bringing him back here when the exchange is done?” Derrick asked steeling himself for whatever he likely would have to deal with upon returning to the place he tried so hard to run from.

“Yup, no need to worry there. We’re not that cruel after all,” Alvin grinned at him and began to make his way towards the ships not at all bothered by how the other might take that.

They’re given some looks and it becomes quickly apparent the people dealing their tickets know Derrick and likely are wondering why he is out so late and heading to Lakutam seahaven. A quick lie is generated and in some ways it’s even actually true, as Alvin explained that the doting, father Derrick had asked him to find his son and that there was a lead in where the boy might be. The glare stabbing into him only widened his smile though as he explained the situation and soaked in the relieved and grateful expressions of the sailors. It seemed they were well acquainted with the Mathis family and were thankful for the help.

When they were finally aboard, Alvin commented that it was funny, but his current companion seemed less than amused. Their conversation fell after that as there was certainly nothing to say or anything that either of them wanted to say. The mercenary had expected questions about why they were going after Derrick now, but the man never asked and honestly, Alvin didn’t think he could answer him.

He had a few guesses based on some other information he’d been asked to acquire, but he had no definite knowledge. Boosters had been a growing technology and no one on this side seemed aware that their invention was just a slightly adapted version of spyrix meant for people who never needed such technology in the first part. The side effects had seemed pretty nasty though and they were being developed on both sides of the country, and who better to help with those sorts of problems than a doctor trained in spyrix technology? At least, that’s what his current theory was considering what Exodus might want to do with them, but even that he only had minimal information about.

At the end of the day, it was something he only kept up with for the sake of his own gain. What they wanted to use Derrick for, he didn’t care much about. For Jude’s sake, he thought he should keep up with it, and maybe at least try to have an answer for him the day he inevitably was revealed to be a villain, but he didn’t want to think of that and certainly couldn’t focus on it with how things were right now.

Alvin left the man alone in his cabin long enough to go out and send off a letter so what Exodus members were around Xian Du would know to be ready to escort the doctor the rest of the way towards wherever they wanted him once they hit the city. The ship ride between Leronde and Lakutam seahaven was a little longer, and the idea of being stuck on board with a man who was less than eager to be with him sounded boring. If he didn’t need his sylph jay to send letters for his job, he’d likely have spent some of the time at least writing Jude a letter, but even then his thoughts kept straying to places he wasn’t supposed to think of, nor did he have much to say to the teen.

When they did arrive at the docks, they didn’t linger long only stocking up on a few supplies before trekking out. They still need to cross Lakutam Highroad and if it weren’t for the fake premise of bringing the other’s son ‘home’ he likely would be left to fight for himself. He’d be doing that on the way back to Fennmont, but that was a different story. On his own, he hardly needed to even fight.

What bothered him more was how silent things were. Alvin could do serious and intimidating, but it wasn’t his natural personality. Everything just became stale and uncomfortable, but any attempts to converse even lightly with the doctor were only spurned or ignored.

“Y’know, this place always reminds me of home. I mean, home, home, what little I remember of it,” Alvin spoke trying to spark something since it was rare he could even mention Elympios around most of his usual company.

“What? A dying wasteland?” Derrick replied with, but the mercenary could tell there was a deeper meaning to his words.

“I was talking about the sunset actually,” he clarified just thankful for some kind of conversation, lowering his voice as he kept it going, “It wasn’t all bad was it?”

The doctor made a noise to signify he heard him, but as to what he meant by it, the mercenary didn’t know. After a beat, he pressed on, trying to ignore the thoughts he had about the matter recently that even spawned the question in the first place.

“Ever think about what it would be like if you could show Jude or your wife what your home was?”

“This is a better place for them and Ellen has already seen enough of what our kind is like,” Derrick argued, but there was something disturbing in the way he so easily condemned Elympios and Elympions, despite being one himself that irritated Alvin. As if by extension, they weren’t even human.

“Ah, because we’re just so inferior and different, right? You almost sound like a bonafide Rieze Maxian yourself, y’know,” He hated that line of thought as it wasn’t his or any of their fault they were given such a short stick compared to this world. They may have condemned their own world, but not all of them were that terrible. Was making due with the poor hand of cards you were dealt really that terrible? Was it so strange of him that he wanted to go home and show his mother the sunset one more time before she died?

“Are they still working on that horrid spirit-fuel plan? Is that why they went as far as kidnapping a child? Don’t try and tell me Exodus are anything but an organization full of monsters.”

“That’s rich,” Alvin’s bitter laughter cut through and he was tempted on telling him outright how Jude had just run away and conveniently let himself be kidnapped without knowing, but he can’t here not to mention he still doesn’t actually know all the details on why he had left his home to begin with. He had wanted to ask and even might still. Thinking about Jude when he was on the job like this was dangerous for a number of reasons so he had been trying to put the boy out of his mind considering he had to keep up a certain front and deal with the stray monster that caught sight of them. As evidenced from his entire time away from Fennmont thus far, thoughts kept wheedling their way in anyway.

The topic died shortly after and even if Alvin did dislike silence, he honestly wondered why he bothered conversing with the man. Xian Du wasn’t that far off and once they had him he could be on his way. Talking to Isla was just as unpleasant, but her help was necessary in keeping his mother both alive and safe. In a way, they were both mutually blackmailing one another and if it weren’t for the potential threat hanging over her head, he’d be more concerned. Unfortunately, the situation called for it and as usual, he was simply stuck doing dirty work and even filthier actions as a result.

As the prayer banners came into view, the plains opening up to instead show rocky cliffs, Alvin was just thankful the last leg of their trip should be short.

“This is where you’re holding him right? I want to make sure my son is safe before we go any further,” Derrick insisted and they were close enough to their destination with enough distance behind them to make sure he couldn’t possibly escape that Alvin finally let the news drop.

“Well, that might be tough because the truth is that was just a nice lie I gave you,” Alvin explained his voice even, doing his absolute best to appear normal so as not to draw attention. The other stopped in place though, looking beyond furious, which only served to make the mercenary point out their current situation.

“Careful now, don’t want to make a scene. I wouldn’t worry too much about Jude though, he’s doing just fine honestly. The real truth is I _was_ planning to kidnap him in order to get to you, but he just looked so miserable by the seahaven the night I found him that I just couldn’t help giving him some gald to send him on his way.”

“Where exactly is my son then, Svent?”

“Think real hard, just where would he want to go? Where could he go?” He thought about ratting Jude out, but he didn’t want it to lead back to him in any fashion. What he was doing here was already ruining any potential of a normal relationship he could have with the kid even though that never would have  been normal from the start anyway. Sure, maybe his mother or any of the other people in Leronde would be thankful to see him with Jude in tow considering the last time he talked to anyone from there he made himself appear better than he actually was; but there’s no doubt that if Derrick did return home at some point he’d be forced to explain everything, thus telling Alvin’s part in it all.

The twist between what he thought may be guilt and irritation on the doctor’s face made it obvious enough he connected the dots. As to which emotion was the more honest one given Alvin had received the same look when they first met up in Leronde, the mercenary couldn’t be sure.

“So he told you he wanted to go to Fennmont and you decided to help him out? He’s so foolish sometimes… his mother’s been so worried,” he distanced himself from the notion at least in words, but it only made Alvin wonder further how sincerely he might have worried too.

Based on how he kept talking about the kid, he couldn’t help but question it. He continued on as if considering the details mostly to himself, but even if it weren’t really directed at Alvin it only brought a smirk to his lips, “Bet you made it sound like just another good deed like you did to the sailors before. I’m surprised they didn’t recognize you if that’s the case or at least recognize Jude enough to tell me.”

“Oh come now, it’s not like everyone is good at remembering a face in the dark. And don’t you think that’s a little harsh? Clearly he’s old enough to make his own decisions if he’s bold enough to go through with running away from home? But there you have it, it’s a little too late now though, huh?” Alvin answered sounding almost bored as he does so. He can’t change any of the situation, nor did he feel any inclination to do so. It isn’t long before whatever turmoil the doctor is in is interrupted by the members sent to pick them up, Alvin paid only enough attention to receive his payment and leave Derrick with one final message before he dropped by to see his mother.

“Pleasure doing business with you Dr. Mathis! If I ever see your son again, I’ll be sure to pass along how disappointed you are in him for following his own path,” He threw his fingers up giving a weak peace sign resisting the urge to actually laugh in the man’s face. It wasn’t just his attitude about their mutual homeland that irritated him and sapped Alvin of any notion to feel sorry for the man; it was the way he spoke about his son that ended up annoying him as well.

At this point in his life, if his mom was able to gain enough coherency the she could understand him if he came clean about all the things he’s done and the sort of person he was now, he wouldn’t blame her if she grew to despise and be disappointed in him. Jude though… he couldn’t understand it in the slightest. The boy could be irritating if anything from just how naïve he was; always pushing idealistic notions on the mercenary that he only wanted to crumble. Those sorts of things didn’t make Jude bad or worthy of displeasure though, they just made a person like Alvin need to face his own demented personality and he’d rather ignore that side of himself and write it off as something unfixable.

Jude was too nice, too trusting, and far too good. He always wanted to help and for all his accomplishments, it was odd that his father didn’t seem the least bit proud of him. Alvin’s own personal bouts of anger came from a deep rooted envy and the fact that who he really was couldn’t—wouldn’t—live up to the kid’s standards, but never did it make him disappointed in Jude as a person.

As he let himself focus on the fact he had someone waiting for him in one of his quasi-homes, it pushed him into walking just a bit faster, oddly wanting to get his visit with his mother done quicker than usual. These days seeing her just made him miserable. She had her moments where she could tell what was going on, but he couldn’t recall the last time she had looked at him and not just seen through him.

He’d taken to leaving Isla’s payment with a note in his mother’s home figuring she’d see it when she next dropped by, as the fewer conversations he had to have with her the better. The fact his mother was asleep when he slipped in made it all the more simple. It was rare that she could leave bed and recently seemed to be doing worse than  before, so the few times he did stop by she was either even more out of it than usual or half asleep. Alvin couldn’t help himself from talking though, even just quietly. Without intending to, the times when she was asleep ended up becoming his own personal confession of sorts.

“I’m home, Mom.”

He watched her breathe and was grateful she didn’t seem to be in any pain. When she didn’t stir, he took it as a sign to continue.

“I don’t know if I can bring myself to tell you this, even asleep. I know you’ve heard all about the things I’ve done like this, but I think I crossed a line even for me.”

“I should be used to these things. Break hearts, ruining lives… I’ve alienated just about everyone because of it. I’d tell myself so long as I didn’t get close it wouldn’t bother me, but…”

He shuddered, unintentionally dropping his voice because the last time he felt like this was with Presa, but even with her, he managed to reason with himself that she was just as shady as he was; that she’d turn on him in the same way he had if she was in his position.

“There’s this boy I met recently. Cute kid, you’d really like him I think. He said he wanted to meet you and I honestly want him to even if you wouldn’t recognize me or be able to recall who he is later either.”

Maybe it’s what is left of his conscious or the fact that he’s around his mother, but he lets himself drop his guard. She wouldn’t be able to wake up and comfort him, but her presence alone is enough to make him feel like the lonely, oversensitive child he used to be.

“I did something really terrible to him.”

“He’d hate me if he knew. He’s probably going to when he finds out. Is it strange that that upsets me? I should be used to things like that by now, and yet, the thought of it just makes me feel more lost than I’ve ever been.”

It’s all he ever does in life though. He drifts and drifts, changing occupations, groups and faces faster than he knows what to do with. Jude makes him want to be rooted. Want to be honest and someone respectable, but he can’t and he doesn’t think he ever can. He wanted to make a home in the other, but it’s already too twisted and mangled. He can’t even regret his actions because not all of him is entirely sorry.

“I’ll try to come by when you’re awake for once. Maybe if things don’t completely fall apart, I’ll bring Jude with me too.”

Alvin managed to muster up a smile toward his sleeping mother as he brings himself to stand up and leave. It’s already midday, and he has an urge to stick around a bit more before heading home not quite ready to face Jude as much as he wanted to go back to Fennmont. There’s a tiny voice convincing him he should just stay away from the apartment entirely, but he knew because of his selfish personality it wouldn’t happen. More so, he said he’d support Jude and while he left a pretty sizable sum of gald for the kid to use, it won’t be enough to last him.

Drifting about the city and taking in the sights is enough to pass the time, at least until it’s dark enough to check into an inn. He had made it seem like it’d take about a two weeks to get home anyway, and while just about a week had already passed, it wouldn’t kill to be a day early or late. The morning made it a bit easier to shove his actions and detestable personality under a rug, long enough at least to reason with himself it was about time he start heading back. It doesn’t change any of the things he did the day prior and without his wanting they hover in the back of his mind while crossing the highroad.

When he had been with Derrick, neither of them had run into or spotted the Lord of Lakutam, and he hoped to avoid the beast even more so on the way back to the seahaven given his current mind state. His thoughts were unstable and it was only the sense that he could die keeping him from completely losing focus. Now that he was alone and let his emotions be unloaded, he couldn’t help the guilt seeping in. It was making him sloppy and though he managed to finish off the monster he was fighting, it left a nasty wound on his torso.

He was only a little away from the seahaven and gels helped some in at least getting there fine. It hurt worse than it actually was and in a twisted way, he was thankful for it as a distraction. Paying someone to heal it or at least look at it for him before taking off seemed like the smart idea, but he both didn’t want to waste the time nor was he eager to let it heal that easy. Some melodramatic or perhaps self-punishing tendency only designed to make himself feel better struck him and the wound was surely a karmic sign.

The fact he’d be virtually resting the entire way from Lakutam to Fennmont was enough anyway. Being on a ship with little else to do and injured on top of it would only make the voyage worse, but there wasn’t much he could do about it.

Several ideas struck him and he quickly decided against most of them not being in any sort of shape to do so physically or mentally. He thought about writing Jude again, but he wasn’t ready to face him nor would he have much else to say beyond the fact he was on his way home. The way he kept instinctively calling the apartment home was a growing fear in its self and he mentally had to correct himself each time.

After all that had happened, the fact he still wanted to call that place with Jude his home now was disturbing and frightening. The urge to run as he pondered earlier struck him once more, and he had a feeling that within a few weeks or a month, he’d be doing just that; leaving more often on the claim that he was busy with work, only giving the boy portions of his gald as support up until he began sending it by mail instead.

It was pathetic on some level and he spent most of the way back wallowing in his own self-pity. By the time he reached Fennmont, he couldn’t be sure which side of himself won on how he should act. Jude not even being in when he arrived helped things a bit, up until the other chose to walk in at the worst possible moment.

Alvin had thought his decisions however involuntary they were when he had been away were worse. What he did to Jude before was so very minor compared to where things went that afternoon and at the rate they’d be going, he was sure to completely ruin the teen within a month, if not a week. He wanted to be happy about it—a tiny part of him even was—but the truth was threatening to destroy everything and someday when he had to come clean, everything would surely fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep saying I won't be updating this story for a while and then i squander my time writing it because i love it so much. this chapter and last were painful to write though and while the next might be.... more bittersweet?? they'll be fun too. as usual thank you for reading! i may not be lying this time when i say it'll be a bit for the next update, but given my track record who knows.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm..... still in finals hell, but I guess I?? Managed to finish this? I apologize if the quality is... less than usual honestly I need to finish a paper and maybe sleep a little now, but it's been three weeks and I wanted to write something that wasn't an academic paper for once. My last class is on the 11th and my last final exam is on the 18th so! Just a bit.... longer.
> 
> I'll try and edit this better soon! Sorry for any glaring typos/mistakes I don't think there are any though.

Over the next few weeks, there were many things Jude came to learn about Alvin, while also realizing that there were just as many things he may never get to know.  The more he gets to actually speak with the man, it becomes apparent that while he talks a lot, often is it actually anything meaningful about himself. Jude learned mundane things like what meals he was fond of, books and hobbies he liked, but with anything personal the teen was given only surface details and sometimes lies; not that he was aware of the later.

Alvin in general was acting strangely compared to before he left as well. He seemed to have accepted what Jude said and appeared to reciprocate, but there was a lingering remorse in all his actions that Jude couldn’t place or understand. Each time he had attempted to reassure him or ask the mercenary about it, he was brushed off and it became another off limits topic.

It was frustrating, but Jude tried not to let it bug him. The fact he wasn’t completely denied and that… not all of it was bad kept him optimistic, taking on the attitude that Alvin perhaps needed some time to adjust himself before talking about it or much else about himself. He’s always prided himself on being patient and understanding, and he wanted to be for Alvin, but when he couldn’t tell what it was holding the other back, it left him stagnated in how to act let alone perceive the man’s actions. Having started officially as a medical student made him rather busy too and between their activities at home—which only occasionally led to doubting his recent romantic choices—and his studies there was little time to address the matter.

There were problems that had always been there and considered long before they became whatever they were now. The sorts of problems stark now were ones that centered more on aspects of communication and availability. School was vastly time consuming and for his career and the type of person Jude was the amount of study and practice he needed to put in became hours he spent away from the mercenary and hours he spent neglecting even his own needs.

The things Alvin didn’t want to discuss or divulge he couldn’t be sure how much of a problem they were. They were things that probably needed to be talked about or addressed, but he couldn’t force the other man, and he kept holding onto the innocent notion that if he kept waiting Alvin would want to talk. This became even more difficult as each time he came home, his body wearier as the days went on, sleep was the only thing on his mind rather than a serious conversation that would likely lead nowhere.

In a way, beyond simply wanting to do well it was partly what drove him into his studies. They still did things together at home or went out on what Jude was still embarrassed to call dates—though Alvin was quite eager to shove the detail out in the open enjoying the blush that blossomed on the teen’s cheeks from the notion—but there still felt something missing from their relationship.

It may have been the lack of willingness to open up, or other aspects that Alvin would seemingly start to initiate only to back off on the second they got serious leaving Jude confused and disappointed. The amount of lingering touches and almost kisses they’d shared in the past week left the student’s heart pounding, half in anticipation and half from how nerve wrecking it all was. The topics he wanted answers to hovered, but beyond the futileness of asking, he was growing more and more tired as school picked up.

“You’re running yourself ragged, y’know,” Alvin murmured one of the nights Jude was half-asleep by his side. He’d mentioned it before considering how often he watched the boy collapse by his side like this. It worried him that he’d do so somewhere dangerous like in the streets or going down a flight of stairs. He’d never really known Jude to be clumsy, but he had a habit of pushing himself too hard for sure. After much hesitation, he brought a hand up to stroke the teen’s hair, which didn’t help matters.

“There’s just so much to take in…” Jude mumbled sleepily, stifling a yawn. Much of the material so far was stuff he had read of prior to classes officially starting, but the hands on practice and the additional notes in lectures were things he wanted to stay on track of. He was worried about what was going on with Alvin and their maybe dating status, but giving it the attention it needed was so hard when he had stacks of notes to sort through and books to be reading. Perhaps, therapeutically, it also was just the easier of the two to handle and thus focus on.

“And you will, but at this rate you’re gonna’ wake up dead tomorrow,” Alvin pushed, twisting a lock of the boy’s hair around his finger a little fascinated with its softness. He was always saying morbid things so bluntly, but in some senses, he wasn’t wrong. The school year had barely started and if Jude kept going like this he was bound to end up ill or worse in a month.

Jude’s reaction was only to press closer to Alvin’s chest blinking languidly. He wanted to fall asleep like this so the intimacy he feared wasn’t present in their relationship would feel real, even just for this moment. The mercenary stopped speaking, having taken the action and Jude’s lack of reply to mean he had fallen asleep. The kid was practically a twig, and with this becoming a common occurrence, he’d gotten used to lifting the other and bringing him to bed. Upon going to do just that, Alvin was surprised to see not only that Jude was still slightly awake, but conscious enough to seem coherent.

At least, coherent enough to convey that he wanted to stay with Alvin in his room.

It was something they had done once before, but that had been before they got together and since then the older male had been taken a cautious approach towards things of this nature. Something that Jude had been less than pleased by as was growing more evident.

“How can I say no?” He mused trying to ignore his own hesitancy on the matter. Jude seemed too content and comfortable when he adjusted to sprawl across the sheets and Alvin tried to ignore the way he was staring.

“Whatever it is you feel bad about, I forgive you, okay?” Jude said steadily succumbing to exhaustion, the soft bed only making him fall asleep faster. In his sleep addled-mind, there was the idea that if he said something like that the other would stay, even though Alvin had been planning to lie down anyway. Physically at least, Jude could pretend they were close, but the lingering fear the other was getting farther away when he wanted him close was growing and with no filter to his words it showed.

The words brought no solace, but only confirmed what Alvin had been hoping and fearing. He knew he could end it right now. Either fall to his own vileness or reveal the truth and show that even Jude couldn’t forgive his crimes. He said nothing though. The teen moved to grip his hand, but his fingers were loose and unwilling in Jude’s hold.

“I forgive you. So stop running away from me,” he insisted, voice firm despite being sleep laden. He wanted to kiss Alvin; he wanted the other to kiss him too. Whatever it was causing the anguish in the one beside him, if he felt this bad about it surely regardless of what it was, Jude could understand. Alvin brought himself to look at Jude’s face properly taking in for once just how tired he looked. He moved closer, letting their foreheads touch hesitating in saying anything, before beginning in a quiet voice.

“Do you know what you’re saying? You don’t know half the things I’ve done—”

“So tell me!” Jude’s voice rose, a vague sense of desperation coming through, “And if you can’t do that, then at least let me decide what I think instead of doing it for me.”

Alvin grit his teeth finding Jude’s actions and attitude childish. He didn’t know whether to be frustrated for or at the boy.

“I’ve stabbed a lot of people in the back, kid. All the sorries in the world won’t change that,” he brought himself to admit that much knowing it was still vague and irresponsible of him to unload this—even just this small bit—on Jude.

“I’m not a child,” Jude defended letting his own insecurities show, as he can’t deny he hadn’t considered Alvin’s distance to be partly due to their age difference. He lowered his voice on his next point given he still believed the fact Alvin was showing any guilt at all meant he regretted those actions, “People can change. If you don’t like that part of yourself, you can fix it.”

The logic was so straightforward, but so, so much more easier said than done. Alvin wasn’t a strong person, or even necessarily a good person like that. He was a coward who would do anything to protect himself, be it his life, his way of existence or his heart. Jude was piercing through that in such a pure way that he was afraid both in the truth the teen’s statement held and in how much the other believed in him.

No outcome to this conversation could be a good one, so he did what he did best and ran away.

“Go to sleep Jude,” He tried to turn away, because the last thing he wanted to see right now was how disappointed Jude was in him. Underestimating the boy’s strength, he was surprised when the fingers he tried to unlatch from gripped his even tighter, pulling him closer so their lips touched.

The image and situation was overall, contradicting. Jude’s grip and surprising show of boldness made him seem nothing like the soft and delicate boy Alvin was used to seeing and is now feeling. His lips had become slightly chapped, but the lingering taste of strawberry lip balm only served to remind Alvin of the contrasting sides of Jude Mathis being shown to him.

If he thought telling Jude everything he wanted to know would grant him more kisses like that he would tell him anything. For as desperate as the boy made him feel, he wasn’t so foolish as to think the truth would bring them anywhere good though. Gently, he brought a hand up to cup Jude’s cheek willing to simply follow as much as the teen felt like doing. For how exhausted he seemed, it was a little surprising he had it in him to do this much.

The kiss itself was short and sweet. Jude had communicated what he wanted with it, and as they parted, he still looked expectant and tired. Alvin couldn’t help sighing because if the kid was aware of the effect he had on him and manipulative enough to use it he’d probably do or say what he wanted. Instead, he bargained he could stand to be a little honest.

“If I promise to explain tomorrow, will you agree to sleep in?” Alvin gave in all the while hoping he wouldn’t come to regret this too. He detested gambling of any kind, but this wasn’t really a bet was it? “You’re always rushing out anyway; why not just skip for once?”

Jude didn’t seem to agree, but he did mutter something to the effect of, “You better,” before finally falling asleep.

For a great complicated mess of reasons, Alvin was never usually one to talk about himself. He’d say tiny facts or things of no real importance in order to gain a person’s trust, but these were either ultimately meaningless trivia or blank lies he invented about himself. Jude was rare for this reason among others. His supposed captivity transformed due to circumstances and was able to be something far nicer than the mercenary ever could have guessed.

He found himself _wanting_ to share things about himself with Jude. The boy’s nature made him feel and think he could be more honest about himself and that the aspects he didn’t like to face had a chance of being forgiven. The details themselves always held him back. The unknowable consequences of speaking petrified him and in cases where he had an inkling to how things would turn out if he came clean, just led him even further into being silent or lying through his teeth.

There were too many things he’d done wrong in his life for Jude to accept all of it with that patient and now loving smile of his. Next to someone like him, he felt almost vile now compared to the blasé attitude he took to masquerading prior.

Still, when Jude shockingly kept true to sleeping past his first lecture, the stern expression he wore before leaving to catch his next class a reminder of what was to come, Alvin did his best not to feel too guilty over the subjects he’d have to share. He couldn’t tell him about Derrick or what really caused this sense of guilt, but he could share other worries he had upon starting this relationship of theirs.

Mainly, he’d decided  to at least come clean to one person about what happened between him and Presa. His mother had always called him a sensitive boy and no doubt he found himself feeling fond of many people in his life, but for as awful as he had ultimately treated Presa, he couldn’t deny a part of him wasn’t completely lying about saying he liked her. Hell, at one point he may have even loved her. Even now, he still thought about their few moments of intimacy fondly and wondered what they could have been if he wasn’t the person he was.

Sitting around in the apartment and figuring out how to word what he wanted to say wasn’t helping him calm down though. On top of the stress Jude’s questions brought, Alvin was beginning to feel cooped up. Exodus hasn’t assigned him any other jobs for now and with the guilt and growing fear eating at him it left him twisted between staying at Jude’s side and getting out of his life entirely.

He settled for taking a walk and picking up a simple extermination request on Arklund Quag. Fighting cleared his head and helped him decide to what extent he can and should share with Jude.

By the time he arrived home, he was surprised to see the teen already there and actually using his kitchen. He turned to greet him and Alvin took it upon himself to lean on Jude  from behind, nosily seeing what he was cooking.

“Mabo curry?” He asked though it was less a question and more a call for confirmation.

“That okay? You didn’t say anything about disliking spicy food.”

“It’s fine,” he answered, his voice soft as the reality of how domestic their actions felt sunk in. The familiar fear he could ruin him or destroy this struck him and he wanted to run all over again. Jude deserved better than that and he knew he’d be held to keep his promise; at least they could have this first.

Jude went back to watching the contents of the pan easy enough only breaking the tranquility as it neared finishing.

“Could you set the table? This is just about done,” he explained and Alvin reluctantly pulled away hoping the conversation wouldn’t spoil the meal. It doesn’t take long to set up two places on the table or for Jude to portion out their meal. As they sit down, Alvin can’t tell if he was expected to initiate the conversation, but as expected avoids it for a bit longer if he can.

Despite promising to talk about it and Jude looking determined to get it out of him earlier that morning, shockingly it doesn’t come up right away. They settle on small talk about each other’s days and that domestic feeling returns.

“You didn’t seem the type to be fond of spicy things,” Alvin mentioned offhandedly though he tried to make assumptions like that based more on observations. Jude made a face indicating that he’s not sure how to take that statement, but answered sure enough.

“I’m impartial to it. Although, I suppose it’s not really a favorite either,” he answered, but it only served to confuse the mercenary more. Jude noticed his bafflement and sheepishly tried to explain.

“Ah… Leia used to, well she used to get her dad to make me this every time we had a fight, so I ended up eating it a lot growing up. Honestly, I don’t really like it all that much anymore as a result, but I guess I…”

He broke off fiddling with his spoon for a moment seemingly embarrassed at what he was attempting to convey. Alvin had an easy enough time piecing it together and finished the thought for him so he didn’t have to.

“You really miss her, huh?” He commented careful to keep any teasing inflection out of his tone. Normally he’d jump on the chance to embarrass Jude further if given the opportunity, but given the subject and his own involvement, he could only think of the conversation they’d inevitably having shortly.

“Yeah... I wonder if I should write them another letter soon,” Jude responded, voicing the second part more to himself aloud than to Alvin. The other bit the inside of his cheek tempted to actually start in on what they were going to talk about, but with the meal and current topic still at the table, he couldn’t bring himself nor did he particularly want to.

Their meal didn’t last much longer nor did any meaningful conversation. Alvin let him know it was good as they cleared the table and beyond that, there was strange lull as they washed up.  They took up a position almost identical to the one the night before on the couch and he forced himself to find a way to start. Alvin wasn’t used to initiating things like this often taking the approach of avoiding them entirely. He owed Jude this though and it shouldn’t be this hard to keep one promise.

He sighed and tried to focus on the wall in front of them instead, knowing he’ll have to speak and is amazed Jude hasn’t gotten angry or pushed him yet.

“I haven’t gotten close to anyone in a long time,” he started, pausing only long enough to find a way to connect it with how he imagined telling this earlier.

“My line of work means a lot of people come and go; sometimes if I find work under the same people I make an acquaintance or two, but rarely does it ever go beyond that.”

“It’s… even harder if you always end up needing to get close to people just to turn around and double-cross them.”

He stopped again, glancing down at Jude, but no traces of hate or even a glare graced what he could see of the other’s expression.

“A while back, Rashugal hired me on as an informant to find a spy working at Talim. I pretended to be a soldier, but things didn’t work out how I planned.”

He fiddled with Jude’s hair trying not to think too hard about the words coming out of his mouth or the way the boy leaning on him might take them.

“The name she went by then was Mink. I intended to lead her on and once she was comfortable enough with me, she’d reveal everything I needed to know. I just… didn’t expect it to actually mean anything.”

Jude shifted a bit and from his face, Alvin gathered he wanted to know more, but surprisingly didn’t say anything. He took it as a sign to finish speaking.

“Still, a job is a job and when she did tell me everything I completed it and moved on with my life. She probably thinks I didn’t mean any of what I said and after what I did, I wonder if I even meant it.”

It’s obvious by how he still thinks about it he felt something, but he can’t help remembering how the last time they spoke how hopeful she sounded about getting out of the hell that was her life. He didn’t even have the decency to face her after selling her out. He just gave the information and moved on.

“Do you get what I’m saying kid?”

Jude’s silence was for once unreadable. Normally he was easy to look through, but Alvin’s own insecurities were painting his actions in a biased light. In truth, Jude didn’t know what to think. The type of person Alvin described didn’t quite sound like the man he knew now; the fact he expressed any of this with the amount of guilt he did was an indicator that he wasn’t the same person as back then. Was his tale a warning? Did he think that he might do something similar to Jude? The thought admittedly worried him, but with how he treated the subject, the teen  felt that was the last thing Alvin wanted to do.

“You’re afraid of something like that happening with us, right?” He adjusted himself so he could face Alvin properly before continuing on, “You’re afraid of hurting me like you hurt her?”

“Clearly I’m not the greatest significant other,” he tried to pass his words off as a joke, but the evident self-loathing cut through.

Jude smiled softly at him in an effort to express what he had just been thinking, “But if you’re thinking all this and afraid of it, I don’t see how you could hurt me. I’m not going to pretend that what you did wasn’t wrong, but everyone makes mistakes.”

“Last I heard they tortured her for what else she didn’t get to telling me. Who knows what else or where she might be now.”

His words were harsh and it chilled whatever calm Jude tried to imbue. That wasn’t just a mistake. Alvin did worse than simply betray her and he needed Jude to understand that and maybe be the one to leave so he doesn’t get hurt too.

“Did you love her?”

The question is quiet, and for a moment Jude worried Alvin somehow didn’t hear him. Really, the man just hadn’t expected it and didn’t really know how to answer it.

“I don’t know,” he eventually brings himself to respond. Jude wanted to ask the same about himself, but from his own fears and insecurities refrained.

“Do you really think you’d do something similar to me?”

Alvin faced him and tried to wonder whether his actions towards the boy’s father counted in this situation. Did how he look back on his time with Presa really mean he was a different person compared to then? Did the fact he was worried about any of this mean he changed at all?

“If I could help it, no. I can’t predict that kind of thing, but I… I don’t want to hurt you.”

He already had though and it was something he was too cowardly to admit.

“I think that’s what matters most,” Jude tried to reassure him as he sincerely believed and wanted to trust that Alvin was no longer that type of person. There are things Jude himself isn’t proud about in his past—thought not quite to the same degree—but there was more to a person than their mistakes.

It was clear Alvin was still hesitant, but now Jude at least felt like he knew why. He’d like to think letting the other air his guilt had helped and from the way he relaxed against him after the topic drifted off suggested so. It was something to worry about, but Jude wasn’t going to let it get in the way if he could.

He took the opportunity to interlace their fingers, taking the hand Alvin wasn’t using to mess with his hair.

“I trust you.”

The words shouldn’t have been reassuring and Alvin was selfish for letting them be. There were holes in the story he told, particularly the actual details about his current guilt he left out. Nevertheless, he could tell Jude meant everything he said and the mercenary let it fill him with a happiness he wasn’t used to.

When he squeezed the other’s fingers back, the smile he received washed away the remnants of their prior conversation. He wasn’t thinking about the Alvin who betrayed one of the few people he felt he loved; he was thinking about the Alvin who was selfishly clinging to a naïve kid’s love believing he could return it. He was thinking about the way Jude tasted the night before and how close the other’s lips were. He was thinking that the noise Jude makes when he’s enjoying being kissed is something he wants to hear again and again.

He was thinking that he wants to know what other noises Jude can make.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a thing, I'm here to say this fic isn't dead nor am I! Life issues have been making things difficult and I've also been working on this little by little between some new projects I hope to be posting here soon! I'm never very good at keeping up with week stuff, but I thought I should update for aruju week and because it's been long enough. If the new tags have been noticed as well as the length of this chapter I hope that makes up for it... I'm very sorry for my unintended hiatus.

Stress was a funny thing that often exchanged itself for some new worry the moment a current problem was resolved—baring, of course, that those problems were considerate enough to wait until the prior ones were dealt with first. In the case of Jude Mathis, everything was a cause for concern and usually more than actually necessary.

He was a worrier by nature so even though he managed to ease one aspect about his budding relationship with Alvin more problems only popped up in its place as well as his ever growing work load on top of it.

Nothing particularly new about their relationship surfaced, but after that night there was a noticeable shift in what Alvin was suddenly comfortable doing. Before, he’d seemingly shy away from any physical affection Jude would try to give outside of being held and their almost, but not quite hugs.

Whatever was originally holding Alvin back disappeared and more often than not, he was now leaning on the student and trying to snatch kisses or attention of any kind to the point where it was a bit of a nuisance at times. Not that he’d tell him that, it was just a little strange to go from feeling rejected to having to either work later at the library to assure he kept up with studies or reminding Alvin that while he enjoyed his company he needed some space to work or breathe.

For as standoffish and independent as the mercenary tried to appear, he was shockingly needy when it came to attention. He’d deny it and back off for pride’s sake only if he wasn’t purposefully trying to rile the teen up. Maybe it just seemed like a shock from, again, how drastic his actions shifted. Before, if Jude tried to so much as touch or kiss him the slightest too intimately Alvin would back off entirely with an expression riddled with guilt.

There were still moments where he appeared to doubt himself or what he was doing, but the timing always seemed to be when Jude himself was feeling needy and it tended to lead to physically reassuring the other into reciprocating. Their previously brief kisses began to double and last longer. Often it would end in either Alvin finding an excuse to run off, or Jude growing embarrassed and muttering his own set of excuses for whatever assignment he felt needed to be worked on. Given his own embarrassment, he actually couldn’t tell if the times Alvin stopped were because he noticed his hesitancy towards going any further or if he himself had reasons for stopping.

Work was always an overlaying issue, but on top of all these things, Jude was a little afraid they were moving too fast. It was a bit strange to focus on that detail of all things now, but with the types of situations he kept almost finding himself in—and sometimes wanting to find himself in—it was one that came up nonetheless. He was afraid of seeming inexperienced and as for Alvin, he couldn’t tell whether it was just another surprising aspect of his personality or whether there was another fear lurking; he wasn’t the best at opening up and often times hard to read.

If Jude was a bolder person, maybe he’d find the conviction to move past his own insecurities and push for more, but admittedly he wondered if it was for the best they took things slow. He certainly wanted more from Alvin, but considering how new everything was there was a lingering hesitancy warning him they shouldn’t be taking so many leaps forward quite so quickly. Since their initial meeting, to the current position they held now curled together in bed, all of it felt far too fast, but even acknowledging how much safer it would be,  for once he  doesn’t feel himself wanting to slow down.

Each time things slow down, it’s usually because he’s surmounted with questions he can’t find the answers to. He’s comfortable—happy even—but for some reason he can’t help lying awake at night wondering and hesitating. They’ve taken to sharing a bed more often, though Jude’s room still functions as a place he can call his own if he needs time alone and it’s become his study now more than anything.

He’s afraid of what he means to Alvin considering he still can’t understand what drew the other into letting him stay here. There isn’t a single motivation he can find as to why he’d do such a thing and with the sudden speed in intimacy their actions have taken rather than relax completely it just makes him wonder what is next?

The tension it leaves in him isn’t something that goes unnoticed by Alvin, but as much as he tries to reassure the student it’s evident this is something Jude himself probably has to work through. Alvin’s never been the best with helping those sorts of insecurities given his own and typically he was a main factor in whatever was wrong in the first place; so he did the only thing he could think to do which was deal with the stress one way he always went about it.

“Where are we going? I still have—”

“More work to do, yes I know. It’ll be there when we get back and you’ll be less stiff while you try to do it. Well, maybe after a nap too.”

Jude gave him an exasperated look as he was tugged away from his desk. When he took a closer look at Alvin, he noticed the man was looking more geared up for a fight than their normal outings called for. His expression shifted to display his confusion, but sighed and gripped the other’s hand more firmly as he led him to the front door.

As they separated briefly to each put their shoes on, Alvin finally took the time to explain.

“I picked up an extermination job for a monster around Barnauer Highroad and figured some exercise could do you some good.”

The idea of following the mercenary on one of his jobs and making sure he wasn’t completely rusty sounded nice, but at the same time he worried he might be a little overworked for the job. Although, he did already have his boots on and considering it seemed unlikely Alvin would take no for an answer, it seemed pointless to protest now.

“I hope you won’t mind me being more support than anything. I don’t exactly have any way to protect my hands,” Jude explained as he took the time to stretch a little while Alvin finished up getting ready.

“Don’t worry about that, I was planning on seeing if there was anything like that at the weapons shop before we left. You mentioned martial arts, but that’s a little broad.”

“I don’t need much, just gloves might not be enough depending on what we’re up against so I like to use gauntlets,” he rubbed his wrist as he elaborated watching Alvin move closer to open the door. He held it open for him and after moving through Jude could do little else but hover by while he locked up. Fresh air and the idea of getting to spend time with him sounded nice even if it would partially involve fighting monsters.

It didn’t take long to drop by the store and pick something suitable and thankfully not all that expensive. Alvin detailed the job as sounding not too difficult, but having never been around Barnauer Highroad he wasn’t sure what to expect in how strong the monsters around there would be. With his weapons slipped behind his back just inside his coat, it left his hands free and tentatively he took hold of Alvin’s hand again as they walked.

They fell into conversation easily though Alvin gave up trying to follow Jude’s explanation when he asked him what he was studying, but it was picked up again when the teen was elaborating on the style of martial arts he knew. The subject, he admitted, was probably odd for someone like him to be well versed with, but Alvin merely grinned as the opportunity to see it first hand was right in front of them.

“Remember what I told you about Lillium Orbs and do your best to stay back. If we keep quiet, we can sneak up on them,” he detailed lowering his voice as they approached a group of monsters. Admittedly, Jude had never fought anything other than other people, but with how prepared and experienced Alvin seemed it put him a little at ease. He’d never linked with someone else before either and the sensation was certainly odd, though at the same time relieving.

Alvin swung his sword down the second they were in range and shot at one next to it surprising them. It didn’t take long for Jude to deliver a follow up as well as fall into an almost mindless rhythm with his kicks and punches. His heart was pounding as adrenaline rushed and it was strange, if not a little inappropriate, to think he was having fun. Being linked with Alvin made him feel a mix of safety and confidence he wasn’t used to and together they made easy work of the enemies.

It was only as he helped in defeating the last one and they unlinked did he return to the sense of self he was used to. Beyond being out of breath, a slight sense of emptiness filled where he had once had those comforting feelings flow in. Fighting had felt enjoyable just moments prior, but now he had to question whether this was really the right thing he should be doing and how he had felt so at ease with it.

The thought was broken rather quickly as the mercenary ruffled Jude’s hair chuckling, “Well, well, you _do_ certainly pack a punch. Remind me never to get on your bad side.”

“Knock it off Alvin,” he replied a little sheepish at the praise. The man did it in a mocking manner, but he knew by now there was at least a hint of sincerity in his words.

“Aww, you seemed to be enjoying things. Fighting really does get the blood flowing doesn’t it?” He spoke moving his hands to squeeze Jude’s shoulders. Lowering himself slightly, he murmured hot in his ear, “If you get too riled up, I’ll take care of it for you when we get home, whaddaya’ say?” He punctuated the sentence with a nip at Jude’s ear causing him to blush.

Trying to ignore how it was one of the sources of his stress and deflect his embarrassment, Jude managed to counter, while temporarily putting away his gauntlets, “Sounds like you’re the one riled up, not me.”

They began walking again, but the utterance had no effect on Alvin’s mood or flirtation. In fact, it only really made it worse.

“Are you saying you wouldn’t be interested in helping me out with it too?” He gave a sly look towards the teen, eyes half lidded in a clear enough meaning. His heart sped up at the look and he couldn’t even blame it on the fight they just had or the fact there would only be more like it soon.

“If you keep acting like that, maybe not,” Jude brought himself to say, though the words were a bit shaky and grew quiet towards the end. He prided himself on the fact he hadn’t stuttered while delivering it and counted it as a good enough win for the moment.

“So cold…” Alvin whined, though it was clear by his tone and expression he wasn’t the least bit serious. If Jude hadn’t seen him painfully too serious the few times he had, he’d wonder if the man was even capable of it at times.

As it was, they didn’t linger long on the subject though there was plenty opportunity to. Briefly, Jude had inquired about his weapon as swords he was used to seeing, but the other one Alvin carried didn’t seem familiar at all. The conversation didn’t last long however as Alvin told him its name and as the student gave his own hypothesis on how it may work Alvin merely agreed in a bored tone. The general lack of response gave the impression it wasn’t something that interested him and out of self-consciousness and his curiosity being answered the topic was dropped.

In reality, it was just another thing he was forced to lie about and considering he was the last person to understand how spirit artes worked, it was easier to agree with what the other said and move on.

Instead, Jude’s thoughts drifted towards how empty the plains were. Since that first fight, they’d only encountered two other groups of monsters and it seemed strange. Only having the location at hand for where they should be looking, Jude wasn’t even positive on what type of monster Alvin was asked to kill. He hadn’t read much concerning this highroad in particular, but remembered reading that most areas seemed to have a decent amount of monsters and the books always advised having capable fighters at hand even if you were traveling in a carriage or the like.

Oddly, this area seemed less populated though and without thinking, he voiced the opinion aloud. It startled him to receive a reply, but it served to remind him he wasn’t alone and should likely be paying more attention to his surroundings.

“Ecosystems fall out of whack when bigger monsters appear. The bigger fish eat the little fish after all,” he explained as they were both hired to help solve that problem and also make sure something dangerous like that was taken care of, “I won’t let you end up eaten like the other little fish though, so don’t worry.”

It seemed so simple when put like that Jude was a little embarrassed he didn’t realize it himself. Admittedly, he had no idea their target was a larger monster so he’d likely have come to that conclusion had the information been provided, but it made sense. The comment made him flush as well even if it was just Alvin teasing him as always.

“I’ll be counting on you then,” he replied sincerely, glancing away to look at the remaining lumen trees in the area. They were heading closer to the other side of the highroad and out of the night clime so there were fewer around. He was always fond of how they looked enjoying their luminescent glow around Fennmont, but he couldn’t deny he was using it as a distraction from his embarrassment.

A comfortable silence spread as there became less enemies to fight as well. If they weren’t on the look for a dangerous monster, Jude would like to imagine, albeit to himself only, that they were on a walk together. With how busy he’d been recently there was less time for dates, though they still saw each other at the apartment plenty. In a twisted way, he could even describe this as a date though it certainly wasn’t the sort he was used to or wanted necessarily to become a common occurrence, so a nice evening walk was better to imagine.

The illusion was shattered though when he heard Alvin mutter a curse drawing him from his imagination and dragged him behind some rocks likely to hide. The teen followed his line of sight and caught what most assuredly was their target at the top of a cliff. The startling lack of other monsters around suddenly made sense.

“Position’s a bit rough and when they said big I hadn’t expected that big,” the mercenary murmured more to himself than to Jude as he tried to devise a way to draw it out. On habit, Jude raised a hand to tap at his temple glancing at their surroundings more carefully as he thought. If Alvin shot then the noise and trajectory would only give them away and it’d be the same if either of them tried to just throw something up there and get its attention.

When he looked down the path they veered away from, there was surprisingly a small band of monsters still alive though probably because they were out of sight of their predator.

“Hey,” he whispered tugging lightly at the man’s jacket to get his attention and get him to lean down, “I have a plan, but we need to be quiet and it… might be a bit gross.”

The student led them back the way they came and around towards where the monsters were in sight detailing what he had in mind. Alvin could do stealth when needed and it wasn’t long before they were taken care of. Hesitantly, if only because he was vainer than he’d admit, he helped Jude carry one or two of the bodies back towards the cliff thankful the monster still was facing away from them. They lowered the corpses and moved back to their former hiding space.

“Now comes the tricky part, but if you shoot near it and not necessarily at it I think it’ll turn around. So long as it doesn’t see us, it should go for the easier meal… right?” Jude finished more nervous than before as in theory it seemed like a good plan, but there was always room for it to go wrong. There still wouldn’t be necessarily a good way to sneak up on it, but it’d be down on their level and at least momentarily distracted.

Pressing the teen behind him, Alvin shuffled so he just peered outside the side of their hiding place and aimed. Towards the edge of the cliff just below where the monster was seemed like a decent spot as all they wanted was to draw its attention to look down. After shooting, he quickly drew back, grasping Jude and placing a hand over his mouth, which only served to startle him more than anything. The message was given though and through narrowed eyes, he glared at the wall in front of them until it was deemed safe for them to glance out.

From the sounds of things, it certainly seemed like their plan was working and given the movement heard wasn’t toward their direction and instead followed by a sickening crunching sound, a tiny feeling of pride spread in Jude at the knowledge his plan actually worked.

Of course, they still had to actually fight the thing, but after a couple minutes Alvin let go of his mouth and crouched to move out. Silently, he followed behind and breathed a quiet sigh of relief to see its back was turned.

Mirroring what Alvin had done towards the first group of monsters they encountered, the battle started very similarly.

Although rather than follow him in attacking, Jude found himself dodging out of the way as it spread its wings the gust of wind it conjured looking painful if it had hit him. Alvin managed a decent swing at the side of one of its legs before moving around and out of the way too. He only had a few moments to give a glance over for any injuries Alvin might have had before they were both jumping back again. There were a few long-ranged artes Jude could use, and though the mercenary seemed to use a mix of slashes and his gun, he wondered if they would have a difficult time fighting it.

As if sensing his apprehension—though given their linked status, he probably could—a burst of assurance flowed through him similar to if the man himself was next to him and squeezing his hand. It gave him the confidence to sweep a kick out towards the beast’s leg setting it off balance slightly. Taking advantage of its disorientation, Alvin slashed at one of the wings managing to tear part of it. The other one was still well enough to attack as it had before, but if they could do what they just did again, perhaps it would be enough damage for them to fight at close-ranged too.

It reared up to let another gust out and while it wasn’t as powerful as before, Jude was closer and tried to brace himself for the impact. He didn’t expect to be dragged behind Alvin, but with his bigger frame and sword blocking part of the attack, neither of them were that hurt from it.

“If you’re about to be hit, don’t just stand there next time, got it kid!?” He yelled back, but there wasn’t much time or room for Jude to respond. The critique was harsh and normally one that would petrify him or make him feel guilty after hearing, but running on adrenaline and with the influence on him from being linked, he only gave a breathless sorry before dashing instead to attack it from the side. Jude was smaller and faster than their enemy was and managing to catch it off balance as he had done prior wasn’t hard.

When they first set foot on the highroad, Jude admittedly worried he’d just get in the way, but as he watched Alvin cut down its other wing, a sense of relief filled him at being asked to come with. The thought of Alvin trying to fight this thing on his own made him nervous and it would have likely ended in more injuries than none.  

One final time, in an attempt to brush them back or perhaps fly away with how much damage it had taken, it tried to spread its wings back, but with both of them ruined, the beast could do neither. It gave them time to aim for its legs next and when it seemed weakened enough, Alvin lowered his sword towards where Jude stood, the silent request was communicated as the teen jumped on it while he raised it for a strike. The momentum and new height allowed Jude to deliver a kick to its front knocking it down. With its neck now laid bare and accumulated injuries making it impossible to flee, Alvin gave the final blow.

Both of them were out of breath and though adrenaline was still running high, the workout was starting to catch up with Jude. He let out a yelp as Alvin turned to pick him up seeming a little winded himself, but not enough so that he apparently couldn’t spin him around.

Tiredly pressing at the arms holding him up, the student pushed at them, “Put me down—Alvin!” He only laughed in reply doing it a few more times before placing the kid back down.

“Ah, it really is a good thing I brought you along! I should charge them double what they offered considering they were expecting me to take that thing down by myself,” He grinned bending down to rip off a small portion of one the wing muttering something that sounded like, ‘not that big, my ass!’

The praise was reassuring to hear, as while evident he proved useful, it was nice to know he wasn’t in the way. With any serious signs of danger out of sight, he took the time to relax a little and was pleased to notice that he actually felt better compared to before they left. Physically he was sore and tired, but the weight of stress he had prior loosened just a bit. With a shower and nap when they returned home it was likely more of it would dissipate as well.

Turning back to see if Alvin was done and ready to leave, he startled himself by how close the other had moved. Gently, he leaned down to press a kiss on Jude’s lips and though both of them felt a bit gross from carrying the dead monsters bodies earlier as well as fighting it eased his worries and made him happy. This really was the weirdest date he’s ever been on, but he can’t say he hasn’t enjoyed it.

“Feeling better now?” He murmured, and though Jude only responded by nodding, it was enough to make a rare and genuine smile spread on Alvin’s face. They weren’t linked anymore and hadn’t been for a few minutes, but when Jude thought about it, Alvin was eerily adept at reading him. It didn’t bother him that much as usually it only was noticeable in moments like this where he was capable of picking up on it and swiftly smoothing any stress or worry he had away.

It may be true that sometimes he was the very cause of those issues and at times purposefully made them worse, but more often than not, like now, he made Jude feel safe.

“Good, then let’s get you home. I gotta’ pop this over to the person who hired me, so you can take your shower first,” he waved the piece he nabbed earlier in emphasis before shoving it in a pocket, as he pulled away and together they began to head back.

As they walked, Jude was reminded and even more thankful now that there were less monsters about as he didn’t think he had it in him to fight any more at the moment. Alvin had already said he didn’t need to worry for smaller enemies and that he could stay back, but they had only encountered one group they couldn’t avoid so it didn’t matter too much. They parted ways upon returning and the mercenary said he wouldn’t be long as he strode towards the inn. Blearily and a bit asleep on his feet, Jude made his way back to their shared apartment and thoughtlessly began to get ready to shower.

If he didn’t feel so gross, he’d just leave it for when he woke up, but sweat and monster guts weren’t something he wanted on any part of him or the sheets even if they were washable later. The water felt nice and perhaps worse than usual he took to zoning out while standing.

The shower functioned as both a shower and a small bath, though Jude had never used it for that yet. In Leronde, they had a different set up where there was a washroom that could be described as a shower and the bath was separate, but it seemed more common in parts of Rashugul for bathrooms to be like this. It was a nonsensical thing to focus on, but it was what came to mind as he came to long enough to at least sit on the edge of where the bath started and let the water pour down on him.

Reaching for the washcloth and soap, it seemed easy and mindless enough to start on his legs while sitting, but the reverie he found in zoning out was broken at the sound of the bathroom door opening. On instinct, he brought the cloth up to cover what he could of his waist while calling out the name of who he suspected—and hoped—it’d be.

“The one and only,” Alvin raised his voice from outside the curtain likely so Jude could hear him over the rush of water, “Mind if I join you?”

If he didn’t know the question was asked with a hint of flirtation, he’d  be more surprised at the fact it was worded so politely. As it was, more than be surprised or even really appalled by the inquiry, he was flustered and unsure how to respond without sounding against it, but not coming off as too eager either.

It was something he had thought about before and the alarm that he was going too fast—they were going too fast—was going off, but he couldn’t and didn’t want to say no.

“Y-Yeah, just let me,” he shuffled to the corner away from the curtain though he didn’t have to move much and taking his confirmation first and foremost, Alvin was sliding it open a moment later before he finished speaking.

The space wasn’t that large, but with their extremely different builds it was manageable to fit them both. Out of embarrassed panic, he forced himself to look up at him and try not to glance down or more importantly too far down. He was used to seeing and looking at Alvin’s face more than anything so while he wanted to look away entirely once he acknowledged his presence and gave a good enough greeting, he tried to do so.

“Aw, did I scare off the poor honors student?” Alvin teased reaching above him purposefully close to grab at the shampoo. Staring into space or fleeing were no longer options as it was hard to ignore the mercenary and he hadn’t finished washing so it’d be obvious that he was running away.

He focused instead on the pounding of the water and how it echoed his heart, along with the other noises around him. The snap of the shampoo bottle opening, the sound of Alvin moving—

His knees moved to close as images were flashing like they had the first time he took a shower after Alvin touched him and now he was here and so close. They were moving too fast. This was the first time he’d seen him like this, he was exhausted and the plan was just to wash up and sleep.

A hand touched his hair and it shook him from the thoughts he was deeming too inappropriate and it took him a moment to realize he had unknowingly worried the other.

“If you’re second guessing yourself, I can finish up quickly,” Alvin offered, though in the back of his mind a selfish intention lingered and disguising it as concern, he quickly gave another suggestion, “I could also help you wash, only if you’re interested. Doesn’t have to be anything dirty.”  

He winked as he said it suggesting the opposite, but Jude shook his head, “No, don’t rush on my account. It’s just… a little new for me. Not bad new though! Just…” His words trailed off, but Alvin’s hand only left long enough to pour more shampoo on it before lathering it into his hair.

“I get it, you’re okay,” he reassured starting towards the back of his head slightly surprised at only noticing now just how long Jude’s hair was getting, “Close your eyes, unless you want to do the front yourself.”

“I can do it,” he answered quietly, as he hadn’t experienced a sensation like this in quite a long time. He can’t even remember what age his mother stopped bathing him, and while it’s a bit embarrassing to have someone do something like this it’s also a little comforting.  

Alvin took the time to start on conditioner while he dealt with the hair in his face. The man’s silence was both a blessing and a curse as with his eyes closed to avoid soap getting in, he could imagine he wasn’t as close, but at the same time he just kept rethinking how he said they didn’t have to do anything.

The truth was he wanted to a little. He’d thought about it before and now Alvin was in here with him. They were alone and the words he spoke about helping him out earlier were coming back as well. When he stood to rinse it’d be obvious what he was thinking about and why he was embarrassed, and though Alvin assured him they didn’t have to what would he say when he saw?

There was no way to even deal with it himself as Alvin would know and the idea of him watching him only fueled his arousal. He fiddled with the washcloth as he tried to form the words to ask for a turn to rinse and managed a broken sounding request that thankfully was understood.

His eyes were still closed and he was glad for it as he was sure if Alvin looked down he’d see and a part of him both did and didn’t want to see what his expression would be. The other helped him to stand and shifted around him so he could get under the spray, but just when he felt better being directly out of view; he wrapped his arms around him, leaning down to rest his chin near his ear.

“Is washing the only thing you wanted help with?” He asked and while it wasn’t outwardly acknowledged what he was getting at, it was obvious enough that Jude’s shoulder’s tensed. Sensing his hesitation or maybe his embarrassment, Alvin rubbed at the very shoulders displaying it liking too much the noise he let out when something cracked.

“I’m just saying it also _can_ be dirty if you want it to be.”

Truthfully, Jude didn’t know what he wanted. The fact they were seeing each other naked for the first time suggested they should do something along those lines or that it would lead that way, but at the same time they were just showering. It didn’t have to be something sexual and for how short a time they’d known each other and had barely just started dating, they maybe shouldn’t, but he…

“I don’t know how,” he mumbled as though he had ideas based on what he read and what he knew he enjoyed, going about doing something like that on someone else was new territory.

“I’ll show you,” Alvin said as he rubbed his hands lower down Jude’s arms, to his sides and stopping at his thighs. Just as he appeared to be moving closer to Jude’s budding erection, he veered away to brush his sides again, “Let’s get you cleaned up first though okay? Wouldn’t want your first time to be in a shower.”

The rest of the shower was a mix of actual washing and what could be categorized as foreplay. Once his hair was conditioned as well, Alvin took the washcloth and started on Jude’s skin lingering around sensitive areas on purpose much to the teen’s mutual pleasure and frustration. It felt good and made him want more, but at the same time he knew this wasn’t the place for it. Some of it just made him more embarrassed as he hadn't been aware certain parts of himself were as sensitive as they seemed to be. The fact he kept teasing him like this was unfair and upon whining as much, the washcloth was handed over. 

“Your turn,” Alvin explained with a lopsided grin. Watching and listening to Jude was something he’d wanted for weeks now and in a twisted sense seeing what he was capable of and what sorts of things he wanted to do to him was just another thing he was eager to see.

Carefully, Jude poured more body wash onto the cloth and raised it starting in a neutral seeming spot like his neck and shoulders. He’d seen him shirtless once or twice when he forgot or didn’t bother to put a shirt on, but he hadn’t been allowed this sort of time to look over his skin let alone touch it. Lately they had taken to sleeping together, but the second Jude hit the bed he was too tired to pay attention to Alvin shirtless or not.

There were minute scars in various places, and while there were a few scrapes and bruises from today none of the scars were that noticeable on his chest. The only one that he recognized was the already healed one from when Alvin returned weeks prior. He slowed down in rubbing as he moved towards the man’s nipples both embarrassed to see if they were sensitive and also unsure even how far he could tease him. When he glanced up to asked, he was almost taken aback by how focused Alvin looked on both him and what he was doing.

“Is that… bad?” His words are hesitant and the groan he receives has his cock twitching.

“No, keep going,” the mercenary brought himself to verbally respond.

Too flustered to respond, he merely trailed lower feeling his face flush up as he finally faced and noticed that Alvin also has been excited by their—his—actions. Mimicking how he was treated, Jude tried to both was his thighs while also giving the same kind of teasing treatment, but out of curiosity and an eagerness he didn’t want to admit, moved closer to loosely fist around his member the washcloth acting as a barrier between his hand and the flesh beneath it.

Another moan leaves Alvin and the noise both fills Jude with satisfaction and embarrassment. He continued the action a few minutes longer, testing different speeds and how tight he should grip in an effort to see which he liked better. The experiment was interrupted when he felt he just started to figure it out as Alvin’s hand reached out to stop him.

“Kid, if you keep that up, I’m not going to make it ‘til the bedroom,” he clarified with a labored breath. Out of surprise, Jude let go completely as he had been so absorbed that he hadn’t realized how close Alvin was nor noticed just how much he had been enjoying it himself.

In a rushed manner, Alvin took the cloth and turned to finish washing suggesting Jude start drying if he was finished. His eyes caught sight of a peculiar scar on Alvin’s back as he went to do just that, but given the situation and other issues at hand, he merely filed it away to ask about later.

Depending on how personal it was, there was a chance he wouldn’t even get to know given his track record with things like that, but it was embarrassingly easy to drive the thought away as he toweled off mindful of how turned on he was already too. The water shut off as he was finishing and he turned to watch where Alvin was getting out so he wasn’t in the way.

“I’ll be waiting out there, okay?” He took the time to say reaching for the bundle of clothes he had brought in with him.

“I won’t be long so I wouldn’t get changed, if you catch my drift,” he finished it with a characteristic wink, though it seemed somehow more perverted given the context was for once actually sexual. Unable to respond with his usual sarcasm because of how different it was, he merely made his way to their room hoping the other didn't take long.

With what few novels he’d read on the subject or that had turned out to be nothing but erotic stories, the buildup never seemed to go like how things were occurring. Nothing about their relationship thus far could be considered proper, but there was a lingering worry that this too was wrong in a bad way. It didn’t feel bad, and he remembered hearing as well not to take everything he read in stories seriously, but it wasn’t like he had any other sexual experience personally or even from hearsay to go off of.

The thoughts plagued him as he sat on the edge of the bed trying to hide his arousal though he knew it was both childish and pointless to do so. If he was nervous, did that mean he wasn’t ready? Or was he just doubting himself?

He was too careful, too hesitant, always, always worrying and he both knew it and had it told to his face. Leia, his father, everyone always said he was too indecisive; Alvin said so too, but he always pushed him into a decision and things often turned out fine.

It reassured him. The man’s presence left him feeling overwhelmingly safe and the other's confidence on rare occasions was able to rub off on him enough that it left him feeling great. It was enough to imagine he was next to him even though he really would be in just a few minutes.

 _‘It’s okay,’_ he would murmur as his hands moved lower—

_‘It feels good, doesn’t it?’_

_‘Show me how good it feels.’_

The door clicked open and he was startled because the fantasy seemed so real that he couldn’t help starting to stroke himself. Alvin shut the door behind him, drawing closer and the hand he had on his cock stopped.

“Don’t need to stop on my account, but if you’d rather I do it…” he moved a hand to brush his cheek, rubbing at his lower lip.

“I…” Jude started to respond, but he wasn’t sure what to ask or just how far he wanted anything to go.

“Lie back and let me know if I do something you don’t like,” Alvin spoke for him gently pushing his shoulders forward. Taking the message, he did as told, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth with a loose fist though it mostly hovered above his mouth at the moment.

No longer needing to merely tease, Alvin took the other’s cock in hand and began to slowly stroke him. Similar to the treatment he received earlier though not nearly as methodical, he adjusted different aspects as he moved, trying to judge what made Jude react the strongest.

He wanted to move the hand he had covering his mouth out of the way and listen to him. He wanted to order him to move it for him. There was a way in which Jude managed to both act so obedient even when he was edging him yet remain innocent and curious enough to ask him if he liked certain things or test out just what would please him most. He wanted to take advantage of a personality like that and both get all the pleasure he could and make the boy scream from over stimulation.

Instead, he settled for spoiling him by trying one more method he’s sure Jude’s never experienced. Alvin grabbed his thighs as he shuffled closer and moved them to rest over his shoulders. Jude opened his mouth long enough to ask what he was doing before the question was swallowed by a moan. If he had more patience and didn’t want to touch himself as he sucked the teen off, he’d likely have played up the experience more or tried to slow down. Their foreplay had been extensive to the point where he almost came first and before they got out of the shower. He’d waited long enough to make Jude come and he’d wanted it for even longer than that.

Hearing him even if it was more muffled than he’d like—that was something else to work on for later—was better than he’d imagined and he couldn’t even begin to think what it’d be like when he put him in even more filthy situations. This was a side of Jude he’d suspected was there, but hadn’t gotten to experience until just yet.

As he broke for a more fulfilling breath of air, he praised him in broken groans as he hadn’t let up on fucking his own hand for a moment. Each time he called him good or told him he was doing a good job, the shutter that wracked the kid's frame nearly made both of them come.

Jude couldn’t help the way his body reacted when Alvin called him a good boy. Everything about the situation might have been wrong, but for once he was too enticed to question it. The other had been kind enough to help him at the lowest point he’s ever reached in his short life and he was eternally grateful for it. Bit by bit, he was falling further and further for him and in the haze of the moment he didn’t care what speed their relationship went at. As long as Alvin didn’t go anywhere or hate him, he was happy. He was close and has wanted to feel this kind of euphoria and safety for so long that the tears slip out without thinking.

He tried to tell him and his heart aches as its clear Alvin already knew despite making no effort to stop. The sight of Jude coming alone almost makes him come too, but he’s too busy trying to appear like he’s not grossed out by swallowing even though he can’t even be sure Jude’s looking at him. He’s never been one to enjoy the taste, but with how anxious the student’s been about the whole thing, he was aware it might drive him off even more when Alvin’s hoping this experience will only encourage more.

His own strokes get impatient as he’s close and wants to come too. All the new sights of Jude he’d gotten help, but he can’t deny he wishes it were him touching him as he had earlier. The urge to let him keep going in the shower was strong and if it weren’t for his pride he likely would have let him. It took a minute or two and though notably winded, Jude managed to sit up and inch his way closer to the other trying to tug him up on the bed.

“L-Let me,” he breathed out as while the afterglow was hitting him, he’d wanted to be the one to do it earlier, “I want to…”

He’s still too embarrassed to explain, but Alvin’s too desperate and horny to deny him. Having Jude just admit that alone and ask when he could barely do so earlier was a testament to his own fucked up self that that was bringing him to the edge.

Having already figured out how he liked to be stroked, the teen easily picked up where he left off earlier, trying and failing to ignore the way Alvin just praised that too. The only simple factor was he felt too exhausted to deal with whatever problem arose from it and it didn’t take long for the other to finish.

They both were practically asleep as they did what minimal clean-up was needed, and though Jude had only intended to take a nap, he ignored whatever time it might be with Alvin’s insistence and slept soundly for the first time that week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a monster and I'll probably do another glance over for typos or errors later it was a bit of struggle to get this uploaded as AO3 was fighting me ;; I'll also attempt to keep up with it more and hopefully not keep you those of you still kicking around waiting for another month. orz'''' Thank you so much!


End file.
